Panda

 There is nowhere safe to write that I want to die. I really just don't want to deal with this anymore and I just want to die.

 I kinda just want to die right about now. Life is really hard and I can't seem to catch a break. I am trying so hard to make plans with people, specifically guys I like, and nothing is going through. Meanwhile Oz has 2  girls he is interesterd in and he gets to go and spend time with them. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend and feel like he wants me back because unless I initiate trying to make a plan with him he doesn't initiate shit with me. That makes me feel like shit.  He is more than willing to make plans to go hang out with Sara and now Lindsey but not me and that makes me feel like complete and utter shit. He doesn't want to deal with anything unpleasant and I think thats why he doesn't want to do anything with me. I honestly don't know what to think because he doesn't say shit until it exp[lodes out of him. I really just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. This is all to hard for me to deal with and I just don't care anymore. T...

 I don;t know what to do when I feel left out. I know this is yet another thing that stems from my childhood but I dont klnow how to deal with it and get over it.

 Sometimes you just want to rite that you want to die but that isn't okay to say. Like I am not suiidal or anything but I really don'T WANT TO EXIST RIGHT NOW IN THIS UNHAPPY STATE

 I am feeling eall inseure about my relatuoinshi with oz beause I am an inseccure mes right now. He is trying to date these 22 onderful people whom are so muh better than me at bing poy and I am afraid he is going to get sik of my shit and leave me. i really hate this shit. I m sick of my own shit and sick of feeling this way but I dont know what to do about it. 'i am working on things but it is hard and i just want him to not date anyone and only date me to make it easier on me while I go out and date 5 people all at once. I just want to be selfish and hae him al to myself. He is my human secuity blanket and now others are trying to tke it away from me piece by piece

 I was just getting used to the idea of my partner having 1 other partner. Nnow there is someone who wants to ge to tknow him and I dont know in what capacity but it is still bugging me an making me feel insecure. I should be sleeping right now but I can not get this out of my head. I did write it down for the next radar session we are going to have next monday I am trying not to freak out about it but i cant help it right now. definitely catastraphising the whole thing right now. I just want things to be steady for a while and I know by accepting this polyam stuff with him I kinda have to accept other possibilities but do i/? I am sad. I just an things to be steady and easy for just one freaking second. I have done so much work to get here and I thought I would maybe catch a break.

 So there is a SCK Halloween party this Sunday and Oz and I will be there and so will Sara, his potential new girlffriend. I am having some feelings about how thats going to go and how I am going to feel when he hugs and kisses on her and such. I think we need to have a talk as to what to expect when we are all 3 there. I feel like I need to be eased into the PDA between her and him. Maybe I will just look away.  Eventually I would like to get Carlos, my new potential bf, into the SCK server and see what he thinks of my friends and such.  I never would have thought being 37 and making new friends and going and hanging out with them and us having so much fun stuff in common. It baffles my mind that this has happened.

 So often I come here to let all the bad things out and while that is the main purpose of it all there are sometimes when I have good days like today. Met up with a friend and potential metamour for coffee to kind of sus out the situation between her and my bf. I came out of it feeling much better because of the real time she would have to offer him. It wouldn't take a whole lot away from the time we spend together which is somethinbg I think I need to be able to slip into the waters of polyamory. I feel good. I have a potential new partner which is nice and having Rolando back in my life as a sort of helper on this journey that I am on through polyam. Today has been nice because we did get to spend some nice quality time together and we started a new show, the bf and I. I feel good about that and like he listened to me about the quality time thing.  I wrote down some things for our RADAR meeting monday and I am super hopeful for the future. This si a good feeling and I really...

 As a person who grew up in the 90's I have a lot of self doubt and a lot of self worth issues. I had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship that was very toxic for probably about the last half of it. I went online and accidentally found a wonderful man who is so encouraging of all things, especially when I wear something sexy for him. This has helped me learn to love myself more.  Yesterday I sent a photo to a new guy  I am talking to and I didn't realize it at first but when I was looking at how to angel the photo i noticed in the mirror behind me you could see the entire backside of me as I was standing there naked intending to send just a  photo with my nipples covered but having the rest of my boobs exposed. I said fuck it and sent the photo anyways. As I had hoped and though, a little, it was well received.  There have been days where I go out in just shorts and a bralette as well. Granted it was only to the gas station but it is still a big victory for...

 I'm not sad but I am not happy. I don't know what I am right now. Maybe I am feeling kind of down and I don't know way. Feeling kinda blah. Today was a roller coaster of emotions from happy, fun, flirty, sexy, horny, and bummed cause I thought I had covid. BLAH

 I never in a million life times thought that I would find new friends this late in life. It boggles my mind that I have found this community and so many new friends. It is beyond a bonus that I get to live the life I have wanted for so long. I was trapped in a relationship for longer than I care to admit where I had to suppress my inner needs and wants. I want more BDSM in my life I crave it and I need it. I love the way it makes me feel to have someone else in charge of me. It makes me so happy to have that and to do tasks for my partner and to have them appreciate me doing so.   After my last relationship I had decided to just jump into the deep end and fully embrace my kinky side. I never thought I would meet such a great man and have him be such a wonderful partner. I feel safe with him and he makes me feel special. 

 So Oz had wanted to date grip and because of my jealousy and insecurities I told him I was only ok with them kissing. When she found that out she called off everything, which is understandable. As I sit here and think about it and think about how much he loves me and that he isn't going to leave me for her I am toying around with the idea of giving him the go ahead to go and date her. I'd like to think it isn't out of guilt but more of my partner being happy. He is so quiet sometimes and I just wonder what goes through his head. I really don't want to loose him and I hope he is understanding of this journey that I have started. I want him to be happy and I want our relationship to be good. I don't think I am doing it because there is someone I want to date but more so that I think he might be unhappy because of them breaking up before they even got started. Luckily I h ave an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday so I can talk to her and get her feedback.  Als...

Today I am sad because I havent heard from my potential new guy at all. I don;t know why. He hs been all over the discord server talking ot people on there and suh and I just dont know whats up. I was waiting and hoping to see if he would message me first today but he didnt message me at all. I can only. I know that part of this is my doing because i didnt message him at all either. I dont know what is up with Sunday and what we are doing officially. we are supposed to go swimming at his aparement and the wath movies. I know Ox was supposed to have a date but aftr the things she wront in th epoly thread in the discord i dont think hes going on a date anymore. He hasnt said anything to me about it so i dont know whats going on with that either. I feel wrong going on a date if he isnt going to go on one too. I dont know what to do about that either because this is all new territory for me.  The things she rote out and the way people responded hurt me and made me feel bad but also the...

 This shit is hard when your brain has been programmed to be monogomus. I am struggling with it because I am afrid I am going to loose Oz to someone else because he likes them better than me. I also want and need a lot of attention and I fear that explaining to new people that i need them to tell me they are busy at work in order for my brain not to spiral is going to be to much. I sure as fuck picked a grerat time to go ahead and try this shit, although I wasn't expecting to be homeless (technically) and have all my things in storage as well as my dog being boarded for 2 months and not having been able to have him for a total of 3 months.  Thats one of the things that kills me and makes me so sad to think about. The reason I don't want to take him out for the day is because it will be so fucking hard having to turn him back in essentially. I havent been in the mood to read my poly book but I really need to get back into it. I shoulfd have written down that thing that someone ...

 my dog is boarded, i don't know if i can actually afford a place to live, i'm not ready for oz and i to open up our relationship but i don't have a fucking choice and all of this is killing me.  i just want to curl up into a ball and die.  I am not ready for all of this but what choice do i have?! i don't! I was told i could have time but apparently that wasn't true.   i guess time will tell how true the rest of things that were said are.

 it all seems to fall apart. Thats how it feels anyways. I h ad pulled out 200 so i could put it into my partners bank to finally be caught up on my bills and such. Today when I went to harbor point to drop oz off at work and drop off the costumes i was going to go put the money in that bank. But I didnt have my atm card and the branch was closed. So later i go to get my perscriptions from kaiser and it comes out to be 100 dollars. the universe made sure i had money to get the pills.  I dont know if it was befcause of that and or the fact tha oz texts me that the black widow charecter in DCA is not only super hot but she is super nice too and that threw me throuhg a loop. Whenever he says things like that to me it hits m e like a mac truck and make me think that maybe I am not cut out for this. I want to be because I know how much attention i require and or need.  i am supposed to do this exercise for poly therapy but i dont remebere what it is. i know i am supposed to se...

 Today was the first appointment that I have had with a Kaiser mental health person. While she was a nice enough lady and dealt with me as best as posssible i hated the entire experience. She kept asking questions I didnt have the answer to because I was 16 the first time i got mental health. so of course I end uup a crying mess because its so fucking over whelming. i have to do a part 2 on fucking friday because we couldn't get through everything in a hour and a freaking half!! Its not that i dont want to do it, just that I want this part to be over with asap!! The appointment left me so drained and just numb. I still sort of want to cry about it but there is nothing I can do at the monment about that because I dont feel like cryuing right now and i already cried so much today. at least i got my knee fixed for now with a cortisone shot and my teeth are clean. Speaking of which it is abouyt time to go and brush them, 

 Why do I have to always be the hard working responsible one?  Why can't I be the one to tbe taken care of. I just want a fucking break. I want someone to care for my every need and to be oncerned if i take my pills or go to my doctors appoinments.i want someone to do my laundry and meal prep for me and make sure I am ok. i dont think this is somthing that will ever happen no matter how hard i try. Most times i cant let go of control but most times i really want to. I dont want to be responsible. ive grow up waay to fast and as a result of that i am fucking damaged.  i suffer in silence because i cant lt anyone see that i am weak. if they do then who would I even be. people are always to busy with thier own shit to notice me and here i am jut wantng basic ttention at time. I know i can be a handful but sometimes thats not so true  I dont kno what it is about the act or thought of going to work that i dont like. i love my ob and i like the people there and despite the...

 youd think that my father passing away when I was 11 to be the worth time of m lfe but right now in this moment of technically i am homeless and squatting with an invite. I have never been happpier. I havent been this happy ever. He is so wonderfully amazing that  I am just so in ,ov with this man that I feel like i could be with forever. like yeh we both have flaws but there are so many benefits that  it all equals out. Who new that all it would Take is  a man, manly man who isnt afarid to choke me let alone hold me up when I am feeling down. I havent known this type of caring and love.    Sitting herw in his bed having been throat fucked and then fucking raaaaaaaaiiiiillllleeeeddd like no other.... *chefs kiss* I can let my freak flaf fly and have found a commnity that supports and encourges what I like and the type of sex I want to have and he type of relationship I want to have

 This morning, since i woke up at 5:00 a.m. for no apparent reason, I went ahead and looked at the mistake i had done last week. I basically had 2 set of payments for the same week but on different calendar. I also ate a bowl of cereal, put sweat pants on and took the dog outside to pee, did said financial planning.  Later when it was time to wake Oz up, I went to the dentist and told them about the 2 problems I have and that they saw. Then Ischeduled a cleaning, went out to the waiting area and was called up to make 2 appointments. One with a dentist for the implant I need,one for the root canal and crown I need. That was followed by going to my regular doctor to talk about 4 health issues. I had to go to the morning-side house to water the plants, check on the dog, pick up all the dog poop, and grab some boxes and 2 pieces of furniture. They are still in the car because I didn't want to deal with it, that house makes me sad now. I have to mentally prepare to go there at like...

 There are so many things going on akll at once and i fdont know where to begin. I get one thing settled, my finascisl plsn for 2 months, and tyhen I have things like going to the house I used toi live in and got kicked out of where half my stuff is in limbo as well as my dog who i miss so freaking much. I dont have a place of my own and right now I am staying with my boyfriend at his moms place. I aam super gratedful for that and I really appreciate it  but I dont have a place for me to do what I want and to be able to hopefully set up my own routines and such.  looking into a MAnufactured Home is a nightmare when you have ADHD. Doing any kind of research sucks really. I feel ike a shitty 37 year old fauilure who cant even control her spending habots anough to save any money whats so ever. I literaly need saomeone else to be responsible for my finances and shit. Going as faqr as having my other boyfriend maybe lock and unlock my debiot card with my log in at the bank tha...

 So the shitload of shit behind the shit damn had hit the mega fan in full force and its everywhere. As soon as I get my shit out of that house I will technically be homeless. I dont know what to do with my dog. I have maybe 2 friends who can maybe take him and that right now is my biggest concern because :I have no answer for it. I can easily move all my things into a storage unit and call it a day. Since I will be saving on gas I can now put that towards a storage unit. I was planning on going tomorrow to get most of my shit out anyways but this just makes it worse. They didnt even have the decentcy to let me get my things out of their way. Like how the fuck would you feel if i went and touched your things while you werent home and kicked you out. This all just really sucks. Today has been kinda a shit show.  On top of all that i was in the middle of doing the intake form so that I can go to this specific therapist and then Oz fell to the ground and his ankle and wrist are f...

 I cant let anyo0ne know what really goes on inside my head. Like that right now I am having a lot of bad empotions and all I wwant to do is drink them away into oblivion where i keep all the other shit I dont want to deal with. the logical side of me knows I shoul;dnt do it and is winning the fight so far. I did however use a different substance... I have h a d 2 gummies in the paast hour. I tried calling a crisi centrer number buit he was tryuing to deflect me of onto somewhere else and i ddidnt want to go there. and besiodes that  i have to put my massk on so nobody will ever know how far down the rabit hole I am going. hell I dont even know anymore. Things seem to be getting w orse because I have actualkly had a thought about hurt8in g myself but I havent done so yet. I do it in mild ways with my blankey on my finger or my nose. Its all the satisfaction I can get right now because I am afraid what would happen if i were to actually self harm. I dont know what to do because...

 Today turned into a struggle and even though the issue has been resolved i still feel wonky, but then again I know there are things I am not dealing with and/or not able to deal with. I really need to see a therapist and tfigure this shit out. In the mean time I am just trying to stumble though life blind on a fucked up walkway . There are so many different things to unpack from all the traumas of my childhood and I am not properly able to handle that shit. So here I sit watching tiktoks and self diaagnosing as best as possible. My ADHD won't let me research things so there is that.  Funny thing is all day I have been wanting to blog about things and here I sit not really able to think of the things I had wanted to write about.  There was a very interesting tiktok I saw with a sound bite about second hand suicide and that hit way to hard for my comfort. It is something I have talked about with Kasey and she said she felt the same way to so at least I am not alone but at ...

 This past month has been super rough. $700.00 in bills that I avoided until just a few days before they were due. Figured out the number and took a loan.... all because I got covid and didnt work for 2 weeks. I feel lucky to have gotten some pay for what was missed but it was just to much I missed.  So for the past week or 2, alcohol blindness(like time blindness in ADHD people such as myself.), I have been using alcohol to drown out these feelings that I was haing. Mostly it was the stress of having to deal with it all and was I ok with not paying 4 credit cards at once or sucking it p and getting a loan. rando thought: I think the sudden death of my father has caused me to want to control everything even though I hate it but I have a need to know whats going to happen. this thought was brought to you by:  Me trying to plan out the next 2 weeks and when I will be at Oz's house and when I could have him out here.