Struggles

 Today turned into a struggle and even though the issue has been resolved i still feel wonky, but then again I know there are things I am not dealing with and/or not able to deal with. I really need to see a therapist and tfigure this shit out. In the mean time I am just trying to stumble though life blind on a fucked up walkway . There are so many different things to unpack from all the traumas of my childhood and I am not properly able to handle that shit. So here I sit watching tiktoks and self diaagnosing as best as possible. My ADHD won't let me research things so there is that. 

Funny thing is all day I have been wanting to blog about things and here I sit not really able to think of the things I had wanted to write about. 

There was a very interesting tiktok I saw with a sound bite about second hand suicide and that hit way to hard for my comfort. It is something I have talked about with Kasey and she said she felt the same way to so at least I am not alone but at the same time thats some FUCKED up shit..... I wouldn't care if i was killed. I dont have the balls or want to do it to myself and its not just for the simple reason that a few people would miss me and how much it would fuck with them I litterally could never do it.. 

I have never been one to self harm although if I think about it piercing myself I suppose was my form of self harm... I should write this down in my therapist notes. Ok I dod that. 

another thing that soreta bugging me is that my appetite has gone to shit and I have lost 23 pounds and gained 3 back so now i am at my pre-pandemic weight. BUUUTTTTTT all the cute clothes in my closet are for the fatter version of me. So IDK what to do about that. 

Also for some reason Taaylor Swift is my go to sad music and basically my everything music.... *shrug* 

Especial the Folklore and Evermore albums. I fucking love those.