Panda

 I fucking hste my seister and her fucking bullshit. Wants to axct like the fucking victim in a mess she created!!1 Says she has to walk on egg shells and shit around me but wtf do you think mom and I have been doing for fucking 10+ years around her. Stupid fuck. Is afraid that I will make a claim that I am doing verything and she is doing nothing when in fact thats the same fucking thing she says to me whenever I ask abiout shit frim her. "Ive been here for years doing everything!" get the fuck out of herer with that shit!!! I fucking hate you you fucking piece of shit cunt nugget asshole!!!  

 She just makes me so angry I want  to cry! I hate this feeling. Stupid fucking asshole Kelley

 I really just should refer t o her by name only and not as a sibling. She is a piece of shit and I gucking hate her. I sm nott ryiong to tske ocer things I just want to be informed about t hem too. Like come the fuck on you stupid fucking bitch!! You want to fucking control everything and its like oh no I can[t do the same. Gods forbid I "control" things. But it is perfectly ok for you to fucking do so.  Like fuck, calm the fuck down you stupid nbitch.  I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you so fucking much!!  I fucking hate you I fucking hate you I fucking hate you!!! You are such a fucking cunt and no body likes you and that is probably why you isolated yourself from the family cause they all know what a piece of shit you are!!!!  

 Dear sister, You remeber that time that you said you weren't going to let me take advantage of mom and you said how I pick my friends over my family...? Ya wanna know why..? Because when I was a kid and I wanted to have my sister play with me during the summer swimming, playing cards, whatever, but you never wanted to. In fact I ended up playing uno by myself with my teddy bear. Yes I knew at the time how stupid it was and I knew all the cards in the hand but you know what; I DIDNT HAVE ANY ONE ELSE TO PLAY WITH!!!!! All you wanted to do was watch tv.  As we got over and you brought your friends arounf the house to hang out and I would hang out with you all because some of them were my friends too you would tell them "oh don't mind her, she's a scorpio". You would do this all of the time in front of me and them.  So explain to me how when those are the majority of a persons memories growing up with their big sister who was always a fucking jerk to them, why they ...

 I really hate that I miss im but also it's the concept of the relationship he promised. He didn't fullfill his end of the bargain. Now I am just left here to my own devices. I am heart broken on multiple fronts. Just being fucking tossed away and shit. That shit feel super fucking great.  I want to write  aletter to Mavel's stupid wife. I want to remind her that she is the one who said that her and her family wanted nothing to do with me and thats the reason why she bitched out of meeting. She knew I am awesome and that I won't take her shit. That's the real reason why she wanted to meet up. But when she figured out that I wasnt going to play her game. I would win against her and thats what she doesnt like about this whole situation. I was showing him how love should be and she didn't want him to see that becasue then she loses her little minion. I want to tell her that if what he says is true, which I am aimed tobelieve it is so, that she is a horribly manipul...

 Today I had been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing and getting things ready to go to donations and shit. Just in a general 'let's get this shit out of the house' kind of mood. I had found the extra silverware some time ago but I put it on my every elongating list of things to do around this gods damned house. Well mom commented on how the silverware needs to get done more often or we need to buy more.      So today I got out the extra ones we had and stuck them in the dishwasher. It was kinda fun because I stuck them in there all willy nilly. To the left of me is the under the sink cabinets where we keep the pod thingy's for the dishwasher. So I grab one but then I think to myself "I wonder whats in here....". I open up the left side of the cabinet and sitting in there on top of this shelf thing we have under there is some trash! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA     I completely understand the confusion because the trash cabinet it directly to the left of t...

the first book I first read about dementia mentioned writing things out as TeeHee moments.  The first one that happened was when I came home and i  had to use the bathroom really badly. I go in and the toilette bowl was cleaned. I had been meaning to get around to it but you know how that goes. So I do my business and then I look to where the toilette paper should be on the counter. and to my surprise.... it wasn't there. So of course I look in the cabinet because I know for a fact that I had 2 other rolls in there. They were also missing!!! Luckily there was tissue near by! After giving it some thought I figured that maybe mom had come in and taken the toilette paper. I found all of the rolls of toilette paper from my bathroom in hers. We have different types we prefer so I know it was mine. The icing on the cake is that se didn't see the 2 rolls on the back of her toilette tank.      Also, Whenever we go a certain way to Costco mom will see al the pretty ...

 That is what is head of me right now. My mind is wondering and racing and I am sad and depressed. Not only for my mothers diagnosis but because I thought I found this wonderful guy but turns out it isn't what I thought and had hoped it would be. it seems that no matter how clearly you communicate what you want and need in a relationship you won't get it. That is something that boggles my mind because it is kind of like making a deal. You each say what you what and need out of the relationship and you're like "yeah, ok. I can do that" but then one of you can't because of your home life and then the other, me, feels abandoned again which was the whole point of starting all of this.      So now I sit here feeling bad because yes obviously I want my mother to live a long and happy life and have her remain as independant as she can be for as long as she can be but the weight is bearing down on me. This shit is going to be hella fucking hard and as much as I try no...

 Well as of the second my 72 year old mother has been officially diagnosed with Dementia. It is literally one of my worst fears coming to fruition. This is something I am coming to terms with. I am trying to tackle it as best I can by controlling the things I can control and figuring out the rest as I go. Making plans to make lists and such is how I am handling it.      I had already taken over her medication and how she takes it because the way she was doin it was a nightmare and gods know if she was actually taking them. So at least now we know if she did or not. Making it a routine to have them on the counter for her in the morning for when she wakes up.      routine is going to be the name of the game from now on. I want to try to get her to get into the habit of maybe walking for 30 minutes a few times a week to start. I also need to tackle the food that she is eating as that is also supposed to help but for right niw I am just working o...

 I feel like I just need to get some things out. There is so much going on and I just want to scream sometimes.      I wish i didn't want to not exist for one. Like why am I like this. its one of the many things in life that aren't fdair. Why os life so fucking god damn hard. I fucking hate it. Why do I have to deal with all of this fucking shit. On the flip side, why and I so god damn good at do the things like taking care of mom and her needs and making sure she is ok but not being able to take care of myself. Why do I not care about myself as much as I care abpout her?!     Leaving the SCK server, well just not checking in on it anymore, makes me sad but at the same time it is so much better for my mental health. I don't end up feeling sad and depressed because no one isn't liking or responding to the things I post. It was something that was part of my kink jpourney but for right now that isn't where I am concentrating my efforts in life. I may...

 Giving up on other but at the same time giving myself the space to be better mentally. Why do things that make me no feel good mentally when it is already terrible inside my head. Yeah I miss seeing whats going on inside the server but at the same time I do not miss feeling like no one cares about me when I do post stuff. The server has changed and I don't see it as a good thing. I don't know who or why I was nominated for a community role thing. It doesn't make sense to me especialy since they basically took away the one thing I was doing that they liked anyways.      This whole Marvel thing has got me twisted too. Like I am putting way to much effort in for to little return. I have asked for more and have not gotten more. I really don't want to sit in my car all day and have the engine running becasue that is going to waste gas and I don't have an income right now so no thank you. I also don't want to sit in the car all day with out the engine on because it i...

 How is this bitch going to come at me and ambush me and attack me saying that she know I blocked her and that her and Kasey are going to do the book podcast KAsey had wanted to start. Go ahead ya dumb cunt! I don't fucking care.  I dont care to be around you and your two faced bullshit. We aren't friends and never have been really. We don't  talk on social media and other then when we are both hanging out with KAsey we don't interact. You left the group chat so fuck it. Why does it matter so much to you whether or not we are friends on social media. I get it and your world is small but come the fuck on. Grow the fuck up and just fucking let it go!!  You are a horrible person and friend. You talk shit behind everyones back and you are fake as fuck. You want to pretend like you fucking know me when infact you don't know shit about me. I don't want to share anything about myself with you becasue I know you are just going to go behind my back and talk shot about it...

 Why do things have to be so god damn hard. No matter what your going to get screwed up by your parents and just life in gewneral. There is nothing you can do to prevent it.. It will just eventually just learn to fuck you over.  I jut want o feel like I am good enough for someone to give me what I wnt and need but I am begining to think that that isn't going to ever happen. No matter how honest and upfront I am with what I want and need it doesn't matter. I mean when you out right tell someone that you want to be chased and your tired of being the one who is doing all the chasing and then next thing you know you never hear from them again. Like wtf MArco!! You are the one who recontacted me and you are the one who said that you missed me but apparently it wasnt that much!!! You said you had a differnt job and you would have time for me yet you made no efforts to ask me out or make plans with me. So when I didn;t here from you after taking my mom to LAX I figured fuck it!! I a,...

 Well at least the bad ones anyways. I think I threw to much of myself at Marco. I jumped in and didnt even look into where Io was jumping. Just a blind leap of faith. I think I need to take a step back and chill out.  i have been in my emotions for a couple of days or so. I just want everything to stop being so difficult. I don't want to wish it all would end. I don't want to hurt the people I love so I keep things liek tis to myself.  I just don't want to fel anymore. I am sick of this endless cycle of bullshit.  Ias it lover or is it juat that  he is paying attention to me? is it both maybe? I don't know. I don't know if I know what love is. I meran the kind where you fall in love with someone not like Oh i lkove you because i care about you. Is that the same?

 my mind is always wondering. There is always something going on inside of it.Or at least theats what it feels like. Tonight is no exception. I need to get off this one pill because I think it might be the cause of the food issues I have been having. I recently, like yesterday, figured out that i have a dry mouth as one of the side effects. I do not nkow which one right now but I did google things, cause google is "always" right lol.  This is the thing I hate. I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep, Last night i ws up till 4 a.m. and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep. I feel that I have done pretty good today considering that. I watched some of The Walking Dead But then I was struck with the urge to clean my room so i did that. I fel great about that because the room isn't so cluttered. . Maybe tomorrow I will set up the play station and take a shower. I need to shower as well. damn it now i need to make a list of stuff to do tomorrow but also |I need to ice my ba...

 I just want to die. I don't want to deal with this world anymore

 I really just want to end it all. I want all of this suffering and heart ache to just go the fuck away. I don't know how to do so so I don't know what to do. I want to go to sleep but my mind is racing right now because we are in the middle of a fight and idk wtf is going on.  I am proud of myself for just letting go of Derick and realising that his attention wasnt worth shit. He was shitty at it so good bye. I am done! I just want to cry and die. That is all.  I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die just fucking kill me already i hate this world. Whats the fucking point anymore. I have no where to go. I will just live out of a storage place  FUCK EVERYTHING I can't tell anyone these kinds of things because I know they will be worried and i don't want that. I just literally want to disappear into the nothing that I am. 

 I am in this area in my life where I make enough money to cover a bill

 I am feeling ridiculously anxious right now because thre is so much that is out of control at the moment or are things I can not fix rtight now and have to wait to be able to do anything.

 Why cant I just be ok with things? Why do I have to think about them so much? Why can't I just enjoy the things that are going on around me??  why do I have to worry so god damn much!!    UUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH

  I just want to die.

 There is nowhere safe to write that I want to die. I really just don't want to deal with this anymore and I just want to die.

 I kinda just want to die right about now. Life is really hard and I can't seem to catch a break. I am trying so hard to make plans with people, specifically guys I like, and nothing is going through. Meanwhile Oz has 2  girls he is interesterd in and he gets to go and spend time with them. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend and feel like he wants me back because unless I initiate trying to make a plan with him he doesn't initiate shit with me. That makes me feel like shit.  He is more than willing to make plans to go hang out with Sara and now Lindsey but not me and that makes me feel like complete and utter shit. He doesn't want to deal with anything unpleasant and I think thats why he doesn't want to do anything with me. I honestly don't know what to think because he doesn't say shit until it exp[lodes out of him. I really just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. This is all to hard for me to deal with and I just don't care anymore. T...

 I don;t know what to do when I feel left out. I know this is yet another thing that stems from my childhood but I dont klnow how to deal with it and get over it.