why is life like this..?

 Why do things have to be so god damn hard. No matter what your going to get screwed up by your parents and just life in gewneral. There is nothing you can do to prevent it.. It will just eventually just learn to fuck you over. 

I jut want o feel like I am good enough for someone to give me what I wnt and need but I am begining to think that that isn't going to ever happen. No matter how honest and upfront I am with what I want and need it doesn't matter.

I mean when you out right tell someone that you want to be chased and your tired of being the one who is doing all the chasing and then next thing you know you never hear from them again. Like wtf MArco!! You are the one who recontacted me and you are the one who said that you missed me but apparently it wasnt that much!!! You said you had a differnt job and you would have time for me yet you made no efforts to ask me out or make plans with me. So when I didn;t here from you after taking my mom to LAX I figured fuck it!! I a, tired of being the one to make all the fucking effort. Begging for someones times will ony last so long and thats not very long. Who wants to have to beg someone for their time anyways. Its sad and pathetic and I fucking hate it. I did it as a child and I am still doing it because I want someone to pay attention to me. 

And  now here I am in love with Marvel and he has all the things I want in a partner but I don't think he is able to give me what I want and need. One of those is physical time together and communication. I really fucking like him alot but I need to have time with him and he doesn't seem to be in the right spot mentaly to be able to give it to me. I think I just need to back off a bit. I know I put to much of myself out there but thats mainly because I am basically desperate for someones attention. 

I hate that abot myself. I think its one of the worst qualities I have. I get my hopes up that I will be able to see Marvel and then when I don't, which I knew was going to happen, I get really fucking sad and depressed and I just don't want to do anything. Of course doing that isnt good but my emotions are also the reason why I can't hold a regular job where I would have to abide by someone elses scheduloing for me. There is no telling what mood I will wake up in or what will affect my mood and bring it down. 

Theres also dealing with the whole possibly autistic thing and figuring that shit out. Like I didn't know that it was an autostic trait to go hide away in a bathroom when I get overly stimulated which makes sense when I was working on main street at Disney. I would go to the bathroom at least once an hour. I wihs I had written down the things when I think of them so I could bring them up top my psychiatrist but of course I never do, hello ADHD!


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