Just getting some things out

 I feel like I just need to get some things out. There is so much going on and I just want to scream sometimes. 

    I wish i didn't want to not exist for one. Like why am I like this. its one of the many things in life that aren't fdair. Why os life so fucking god damn hard. I fucking hate it. Why do I have to deal with all of this fucking shit. On the flip side, why and I so god damn good at do the things like taking care of mom and her needs and making sure she is ok but not being able to take care of myself. Why do I not care about myself as much as I care abpout her?!

    Leaving the SCK server, well just not checking in on it anymore, makes me sad but at the same time it is so much better for my mental health. I don't end up feeling sad and depressed because no one isn't liking or responding to the things I post. It was something that was part of my kink jpourney but for right now that isn't where I am concentrating my efforts in life. I may or may not get back to that point in my life but for right now the main focus is mom and her quality of life. 

    I am hoping that when my uncle comes to visit in august that I can take some time off to go visit Rolando. I just really dont feel comfortable leaving mom here by herself for multiple days. Even just the thought of having her be her by herself for 1 day kinda fucking terrifies me. Thats the reality of the situationo we are in right now. 

    I wish this new med I am on wouldn't be making me so god damn tired all the time. Despite sleeping for 9+ hours I still want to take a fucking nap at 2 in the afternon. This is the shit I hate about tackling my mental health. You've got to try all the pills to see what combination works and this is the price you pay. I can't really tell if it has been working becasue it has only been eleven days but is it really worth it if I am so tired all the time that I can't function? I'm thinking no. And this is one of the many reasons why I wish I didn't exist. I don't want to deal with this shit. It is so fucking hard. Yes I am strong because I keep going and all that jazz that people say to you and congratulate you on and such but you know what!!!! I DONT FUCKING WANT TO BE ANYMORE!!!!! I just want someone to take me out or I want it to be like I never existed, that way the people I love and care for won't have to feel the pain of losing me. Call it selfish or what have you but thats just how it feels right now. 

    Sure I would make a great psychologist but I can't fucking concentrate in school long anough to pass a fucking math class so how the fuck and I supposed to get a god damn degree in this shit to be able to help people. Should just open a corner stand like that chikk, lucy I think, in Charlie Brown, and offer advice... Fuck if I know.

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