Another sleepless night

 That is what is head of me right now. My mind is wondering and racing and I am sad and depressed. Not only for my mothers diagnosis but because I thought I found this wonderful guy but turns out it isn't what I thought and had hoped it would be. it seems that no matter how clearly you communicate what you want and need in a relationship you won't get it. That is something that boggles my mind because it is kind of like making a deal. You each say what you what and need out of the relationship and you're like "yeah, ok. I can do that" but then one of you can't because of your home life and then the other, me, feels abandoned again which was the whole point of starting all of this. 

    So now I sit here feeling bad because yes obviously I want my mother to live a long and happy life and have her remain as independant as she can be for as long as she can be but the weight is bearing down on me. This shit is going to be hella fucking hard and as much as I try not to look into the future and think about th what if's they are still there. Yes I know that doing things away from the tv will be good for her but I just don't have the energy to do so right now. There is so much going on and this is a major thing to throw on top of everything else I was already dealing with. I don't blame anyone for it and frankly I am happy to do it. As one does with their mother sometime's we may not have had the best relationship growin up and such but as the book said... now is a time where we can rewrite the history because she will be going back in time in her mind as it slowly turns to swiss cheese. 

    I know I need to do thing with her like painting anf puzzles and doing things to keep her mind active and yet at the same time I just need my own time. I can't be expected to spend all of my time with her. Unfortunately that is a one way ticket to burnout and we don't want that. Maybe I will feel better after talking to Kasey about it tomorrow, or rather later today. Do I want to drink? Yes. Do I plan to drink? yes. I also plan to cry. I plan to tell her that I need to tell her my thing first because its going to be very hard and after which I would love to hear whatever it is that she has to tell me beca\use I am sure it will be better than telling her my mother has dementia.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

 Dear sister, You remeber that time that you said you weren't going to let me take advantage of mom and you said how I pick my friends over my family...? Ya wanna know why..? Because when I was a kid and I wanted to have my sister play with me during the summer swimming, playing cards, whatever, but you never wanted to. In fact I ended up playing uno by myself with my teddy bear. Yes I knew at the time how stupid it was and I knew all the cards in the hand but you know what; I DIDNT HAVE ANY ONE ELSE TO PLAY WITH!!!!! All you wanted to do was watch tv.  As we got over and you brought your friends arounf the house to hang out and I would hang out with you all because some of them were my friends too you would tell them "oh don't mind her, she's a scorpio". You would do this all of the time in front of me and them.  So explain to me how when those are the majority of a persons memories growing up with their big sister who was always a fucking jerk to them, why they ...
Read more

Mentally Unhealthy

 This past month has been super rough. $700.00 in bills that I avoided until just a few days before they were due. Figured out the number and took a loan.... all because I got covid and didnt work for 2 weeks. I feel lucky to have gotten some pay for what was missed but it was just to much I missed.  So for the past week or 2, alcohol blindness(like time blindness in ADHD people such as myself.), I have been using alcohol to drown out these feelings that I was haing. Mostly it was the stress of having to deal with it all and was I ok with not paying 4 credit cards at once or sucking it p and getting a loan. rando thought: I think the sudden death of my father has caused me to want to control everything even though I hate it but I have a need to know whats going to happen. this thought was brought to you by:  Me trying to plan out the next 2 weeks and when I will be at Oz's house and when I could have him out here.
Read more

thinking

 my mind is always wondering. There is always something going on inside of it.Or at least theats what it feels like. Tonight is no exception. I need to get off this one pill because I think it might be the cause of the food issues I have been having. I recently, like yesterday, figured out that i have a dry mouth as one of the side effects. I do not nkow which one right now but I did google things, cause google is "always" right lol.  This is the thing I hate. I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep, Last night i ws up till 4 a.m. and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep. I feel that I have done pretty good today considering that. I watched some of The Walking Dead But then I was struck with the urge to clean my room so i did that. I fel great about that because the room isn't so cluttered. . Maybe tomorrow I will set up the play station and take a shower. I need to shower as well. damn it now i need to make a list of stuff to do tomorrow but also |I need to ice my ba...
Read more