Just Poly stuff...#1

 So Oz had wanted to date grip and because of my jealousy and insecurities I told him I was only ok with them kissing. When she found that out she called off everything, which is understandable. As I sit here and think about it and think about how much he loves me and that he isn't going to leave me for her I am toying around with the idea of giving him the go ahead to go and date her. I'd like to think it isn't out of guilt but more of my partner being happy. He is so quiet sometimes and I just wonder what goes through his head. I really don't want to loose him and I hope he is understanding of this journey that I have started.

I want him to be happy and I want our relationship to be good. I don't think I am doing it because there is someone I want to date but more so that I think he might be unhappy because of them breaking up before they even got started. Luckily I h ave an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday so I can talk to her and get her feedback. 

Also, I want to go back and read the Polysecure book again but this time have a dedicated notebook for taking notes and trying to go over it on the regular. Also I need to start working on the jealousy handbook. I need to set aside some time every day to read at least a few pages in the book so that was I can make it make sense in my brain. 

Part of, or all of, the reason I am insecure is that I feel like I am not good enough for someone to want to pay attention to me and be with me because I wasn't good enough for my mother to want to be around me. Kid me doesn't know that she had a mortgage, 2 kids in private school, uniforms for said school, as well as a mountain of credit card debt. Adult me knows and sees all this but I need to heal kid me.

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