Nobody will know how truly ndeep the hole goes

 I cant let anyo0ne know what really goes on inside my head. Like that right now I am having a lot of bad empotions and all I wwant to do is drink them away into oblivion where i keep all the other shit I dont want to deal with. the logical side of me knows I shoul;dnt do it and is winning the fight so far. I did however use a different substance... I have h a d 2 gummies in the paast hour. I tried calling a crisi centrer number buit he was tryuing to deflect me of onto somewhere else and i ddidnt want to go there. and besiodes that  i have to put my massk on so nobody will ever know how far down the rabit hole I am going. hell I dont even know anymore. Things seem to be getting w orse because I have actualkly had a thought about hurt8in g myself but I havent done so yet. I do it in mild ways with my blankey on my finger or my nose. Its all the satisfaction I can get right now because I am afraid what would happen if i were to actually self harm. I dont know what to do because I cant get a therapist and things are getting diffficulkt.. heavier.. darker. 


The things I dont get ids the 2 days before this I was in the best mood I have ever had. Then today I saw 1 thing and tyhought a mmillion things about it and ive fallin so far down I dont know where I am,. It has affected my work tyo the point where 15thousand people asdked if i was ok and i ended up cryi8ng on the floor of the dock under the hotel on the phone with my bf and I just hate all this shit. maybe I am not poly or I just I dont know anymore. I want to feel phytsical pain right now! I want it to feel like it does on the inside. I need help but there ios no where to go to. The insurance I got that had a 5 dollar copay and ios the major reasonn I picked that plan DOESNT HAVVE ANY FUCKING THEDRAPIST THAT TAKE MY SPECIFIC INSURANCE. How the fuck is that ok!? Do they not know how hard someone with mental illness struggls and they arent just making it harder.. oh no nono... They are making it olympic medal or die kind of hard. 

There is no training for this too and you are expected to get there all on your own. 


I klnow what is wrong with me... for instgance I ah ve abandenment issues because my mother just shut off and she would bury herself in work. I do that too now btw. The thing is that I dont know what to do with that information. I dont know how to self heal that shhit... I NEED FUCKING HELP.

I am learning that my sort of attachment style is based on the traumatic event, tiny little thing like my faather passing away when /I was 11, yand all the issues that come frvom that shit. 


I was never taught how to deal with my emoptions and such so now I just drink them away to numb the pain I feel cause I DONT FUCKING JKNOW WHAT TO WITH THEEM AND HOW TO PROCESS THEM. 


I have no one to turn to that i feel wont judge any of it. Kasey  is busy dealing with her own mental illness, Rolando  will boss me around and not be soft like i need him too, and Oz just doesnt understand the shit I am going through. There ios no one else I would consider talking to so nothing matters. 


I just put my mask back on and no body knows. At leasst I didnt drink today. it is becoming a real struggle. I mean I can admit it all I want but the fact of the matter is thaatts the tip of the iceberg, there are bigger surfices that are trying to break me and crash my ship.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

 Dear sister, You remeber that time that you said you weren't going to let me take advantage of mom and you said how I pick my friends over my family...? Ya wanna know why..? Because when I was a kid and I wanted to have my sister play with me during the summer swimming, playing cards, whatever, but you never wanted to. In fact I ended up playing uno by myself with my teddy bear. Yes I knew at the time how stupid it was and I knew all the cards in the hand but you know what; I DIDNT HAVE ANY ONE ELSE TO PLAY WITH!!!!! All you wanted to do was watch tv.  As we got over and you brought your friends arounf the house to hang out and I would hang out with you all because some of them were my friends too you would tell them "oh don't mind her, she's a scorpio". You would do this all of the time in front of me and them.  So explain to me how when those are the majority of a persons memories growing up with their big sister who was always a fucking jerk to them, why they ...
Read more

thinking

 my mind is always wondering. There is always something going on inside of it.Or at least theats what it feels like. Tonight is no exception. I need to get off this one pill because I think it might be the cause of the food issues I have been having. I recently, like yesterday, figured out that i have a dry mouth as one of the side effects. I do not nkow which one right now but I did google things, cause google is "always" right lol.  This is the thing I hate. I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep, Last night i ws up till 4 a.m. and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep. I feel that I have done pretty good today considering that. I watched some of The Walking Dead But then I was struck with the urge to clean my room so i did that. I fel great about that because the room isn't so cluttered. . Maybe tomorrow I will set up the play station and take a shower. I need to shower as well. damn it now i need to make a list of stuff to do tomorrow but also |I need to ice my ba...
Read more