Panda

So I hve been off my diet and not going to the gym as of late. with this second job thing and well basically my laziness i have been finding every excuse not to go to the gym and on the weekend i have just been eating really poorly. I am only hurting myself in not loosing the wieght i want to loose. I have lost about 50 plus pounds as of now and i am god with that, I used to want more and i dont know where that motivation has gone. I want to be under 20 lbs but not bad enough apparently. I am already scred enough as it is to have to shop in a new set of stores. I have only sopped at two places for more then a decade and now I have to shp at the skinnier sized stores. I am in no way a skinny person, and i dought i will ever be. Thats just isnt how I was built. I really truely am scared to have to go shopping at khols. what section do i shop in. I dont want to go to the younger side but i dont want to go to the older side either. I feel like fashion is lost on the now 30 year old that I ...

I've got tons of things that I can not tell anyone. I just don't like to share things, I neer have. I am not good at it. I want to tell people things but then i get scared that the are going to think i am weird or something. I just hate this whole depression thing. I am so sick of it. I am tired of the whole one thing sets me off and then everything goes to hell. i just want to go away right now. I am all alone which is sorta what i wanted but i just want to be comforted in silence. I dont want to go hang out with emily because i dont like how she makes me feel like what i have to say doesnt matter. She doesnt always make me feel like that but most of the time she does. And her telling her boyfriend david,  whom she says she love, that he doesnt love her is really fucking annoying. I think it uhrts their relationship, but then again i am on the outside. I wish things in my life were different. I wish that i could do th ings better and be a better person sometimes. I dont kn...

All I ask is for you to just please be strong for me and tel me no when i need you to. It isnt that hard of a thing to do. I know im a stubborn ass. (i just fucking deleted everything i fucking tyoed!!!) i want you to be a fucking man. i want you to quit being so fucking soft!! ther is a time and a place for that shit! not all the fucking time. jesus christ!

I really do feel ashamed of my acitions sometimes. I do and don't know why I do certain things. Like sneaking the e cigs. I really just want a stress releaver. and that gives it to me. I feel bad because I am using someones without them knowing. I know its wrong but it sat ther for MONTHS and he wasn't using it so I, in a rage of being upset and stuff, grabbed it and started using it. I like the e cig. no one can tell that I am using it an I can use it in my house and no one know. Not even boyfriend who kissrs me can tell. I want to make things better in my life and not do some of the things I do but I just don't know. I want to be a better person. I sm such a weak person. that explains why I would make plans with one person and then blow them off if something funner came up. I was asked this weekend by Patrick if I was busy later that night or more specifically what time I had to go home at. I know he wanted to hang with Kelly and I know I didn't but I shouldn't ha...

I dont know how to even statrt when telling someone what I want. i have this horrible thing of thinking abput it forever and then i barely squeak it out. ihave to figure out why I am so afraid to ask for what I want. It hs been this way for all og my life. And then When i di try to express what i want i get told that i cant have it, which may be the reason why i dont want to ask for anything. i want kinky sex,, I want to be hit with objects. I want to feel the pain and the sting and maybe even, if i am hit hard enough, the pain aof the bruises long afte ihave been hit with things. i want to have a Dom/sub reltionship with theman I am wiht, i know noone can be perfect and I am not going to always get what i want, but that is something important to me. It is what i really truely desire in the beroom. That is why for a while there I just wasnt up for sex. i knew I wouldnt get the satisfaction i needed from it so why bothe. Yeah he would get his jollies off nd i would too but having just...

There are time where i wonder if i really am bipolar. it all makes sense and it seems that the basic  diagnoses is there.Right now i feel sad and I have been on a fucking roler coaster for a few days now. I wonder sometimes, more recently then not, that maybe some pills would help. but problem number one is that i cant afford the pills and prolem number 2 is i wonder if that will be the real me or not. I want tobe happy but there are times where i wonder if i am happy al the time am i just not dealing with all the sadness in my life and if i am not then is it all going to come spiraling down. i live in a constant fear that when things are going really well and ihave had quite a number of good mood days that eveything is going to go crashing down. but then i also wory that is it just me creating the problem or not. Am i causing my own mysery\?? There are time where i just need to work through my shit and get it out in whatever manner that maybe. Everyone around me is having a wo...

So on saturday i went to lumch with pat. I cheated on my diet, and now i am currently haviong trouble. I really just want to eat "normal" food again. i just want to eat i just want tobe full. I want to eat the cookie and I want to eat the burger.There isnt anythiong in particular i want to eat i just want to eat. Lots and lots of food. I want it all now!

Sometimes there are just certian things that annoy me. i hate when he takes unnessacery jabs at me. they hurt. everything last night go so screwed up its so stupid. i was voicing my concerns about going to ren fair on a whim and with no money, and all he says is im being negative. well yeah because everything isnt sunshine and lolipops! that how he thinks everything should be. "there is always something positive to think about" in his words. I dont think he really does realize what it is to be weighted down by debt. i was getting out of debt and paying things off. And then I went and broke my kitens leg. She fell out of my arms/ i dropped her because she was freaking out. i miss here terribly. not having her here is driving me nuts. I want he bak. She is my comforter when I have noone, and sometimes that includes not having boyfriend. He doesnt want to talk about htings in the heat of the monent he just weants to talk later. but by then i know i wont want to talk about it bea...

Today I worked in Rancho which of course made me think of xander. i once read somewhere that you dont miss the person you were once with but you miss the way you felt with them. Xander and I had an interesting relationship. We met in person and he intruduced me to his fetish lifestyle. i loved it. i like and have always liked being tied down and tld what to do. I have also had a very high threshold for pain. I dont know what it is but i do. I loike when he hit me with his toys while i was tied up. He got a collar for me and a name tag on it and I got to wear it while we had our play times. I really really enjoyed m self. Which makes me wonder why I want that. What makes me want a man to beat me in a safe and san environment. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all this and figure out why this is what I like. needless to say Xnder got some really bad news and basically left me hanging. I was getting things fulfilled with him that Ihad never had a chance to do before. I wish...

i have recently decidded that i want to try running. i knew it would be hard but that first day is whe i realized how hard it would be. i cant run so well or even jog really. but i can walk and i can do about 2 miles. today was really hard because both of my knees were hurting and i am getting over a cold.

In mid January I finally made the decision that I was going to work towards running. I figured that eventually I can do it. So I contacted my aunt who was running a walk to run course at her church. I decided to join in on week number two. I tried to do the run for two minutes and walk for one. The combination of my knee brace and  my fat ass not really even walking a whole lot led to me walking the rest of the course. Patrick was there to push me and make me try to run. I was shocked that he wanted to go do this with me. I knew he was trying to get in shape for his own reasons and had joined a gym and has a nutritionist now. He is going extreme in my opinion, but then again he wouldn't be Pat if he didn't do it like that. He and I have gone for three weeks now, I think, or is it two. Well I couldn't even think about running last week because I had got a cold the Thursday before, we "run" on Saturday's, and so I just walked. which was fine because I was breath...

I am so fucking sick of my sister telling me what to do with my god damned cat. I fucking hate it. You can go fuck yourself you job less loser! Fuck off. DOnt fucking talk about me touching your shit when you do the same fucking thing to me. Dont move my god damned towel. Fuck you and your double standard bull shit! I fucking hate it. Dont tell me im a dissapointment of a sister. So are you. Your a fucking asshole loser bitch. Go get a real job amne  learn to deal with people and a crappy job like the rest of us. You sit at home not doing shit all day but playing with you cat and your computer. How the fuck are you supposed to get a ne computer when you dont have a source of income. But wait thats right, you do have one source. You send hours doing a fucking survey or two to et 5 bucks because you cant get a fucking job. or should i say wont because you cant learn to keep your trap shut and be polite and deal with people. I dont want to ttalk to you and so what if i dont sya bye ...