Feeling ashamed

I really do feel ashamed of my acitions sometimes. I do and don't know why I do certain things. Like sneaking the e cigs. I really just want a stress releaver. and that gives it to me. I feel bad because I am using someones without them knowing. I know its wrong but it sat ther for MONTHS and he wasn't using it so I, in a rage of being upset and stuff, grabbed it and started using it. I like the e cig. no one can tell that I am using it an I can use it in my house and no one know. Not even boyfriend who kissrs me can tell. I want to make things better in my life and not do some of the things I do but I just don't know. I want to be a better person. I sm such a weak person. that explains why I would make plans with one person and then blow them off if something funner came up. I was asked this weekend by Patrick if I was busy later that night or more specifically what time I had to go home at. I know he wanted to hang with Kelly and I know I didn't but I shouldn't have let him guilt me into goingand hanging out wit her and her friend. but whateer. there is nothing I can do about th at right now. The point is that I said I don't know when he asked me what time I had to go hoe. Of course iw anted to go and hang out with the group and stuff but I was also emotionally wrecked frome arlier in the morning. It just makes me so mad because he was the one who invited me out when I was having a break down and watning to drink. it was his idea to hang out and oh look Kelly wants to hang out so wverythign else will get thrown out the window. including me and my feelings.


I have to focus bette at work an I want to do better. I will do bette and I will stop making stupid mistakes at work. I have to rememeber to look at things and not just assume that they are correct. I really hate that I keep messing things up at work. I want a raise but I don't feel I deserve a raise when I keep messing things up at work, so what else can you do but tr to improve and then they will see that it is time to give me a raise. I am also partialy scared to ask for one but again that is mainly because of the fact that I keep messing little htings up at work.


This last week has been so emtionaly draining that I need to get past it and move on. I want to be happy and I enjoy the happy. got to find the happy. ALso I am considering a drawn camera tattoo on my wrist to remind me to focus. Right now it is just drawn on but we shall see hwo long this idea lasts.