Mental Issues... Loosing myself

There are time where i wonder if i really am bipolar. it all makes sense and it seems that the basic  diagnoses is there.Right now i feel sad and I have been on a fucking roler coaster for a few days now. I wonder sometimes, more recently then not, that maybe some pills would help. but problem number one is that i cant afford the pills and prolem number 2 is i wonder if that will be the real me or not. I want tobe happy but there are times where i wonder if i am happy al the time am i just not dealing with all the sadness in my life and if i am not then is it all going to come spiraling down. i live in a constant fear that when things are going really well and ihave had quite a number of good mood days that eveything is going to go crashing down. but then i also wory that is it just me creating the problem or not. Am i causing my own mysery\??

There are time where i just need to work through my shit and get it out in whatever manner that maybe.

Everyone around me is having a wonderful time and one "harmless" to him, but detrimental to me, comment sets me off. It could also be coincidental that i am watching black box and i seem to empathise with the main character because she is a bipolar doctor and i feel i might have the same mental illness. I worry that bf will leave me one day because he wont be able to handle my shit anymore.. And if so is that reason enough to go get some pills or not. I am just afraid of loosing me.

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