Ugh not depression again

Today I worked in Rancho which of course made me think of xander. i once read somewhere that you dont miss the person you were once with but you miss the way you felt with them. Xander and I had an interesting relationship. We met in person and he intruduced me to his fetish lifestyle. i loved it. i like and have always liked being tied down and tld what to do. I have also had a very high threshold for pain. I dont know what it is but i do. I loike when he hit me with his toys while i was tied up. He got a collar for me and a name tag on it and I got to wear it while we had our play times. I really really enjoyed m self. Which makes me wonder why I want that. What makes me want a man to beat me in a safe and san environment. I wish there was someone I could talk to about all this and figure out why this is what I like.

needless to say Xnder got some really bad news and basically left me hanging. I was getting things fulfilled with him that Ihad never had a chance to do before. I wish there was a sense of closure there but there isnt. I feel like i need it but what is the point. i know why he stopped playing with me, infact he said he had put his toys up all together. i understand why, i know why. i am not stupid. i get it, but it would be nivce to be able to talk tohim about it. Me and my stupid closure needs.

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