Panda

 It is a funny thing to find that I want to cry about my poor workmanship during the l;ast half of the semester when I became really depressed and didn't want to do any of the assignments.  Today as i woke up early to work on my assignments that are the last ones due for this semester and it is FINALLY over ( typing that is a hug indicater) that I am overwhelmed with a sadness and an urge to cry. I know I did this all to myself and at least with the art class I was able to re do the assigments and get a lesser grade. With ceramics though i gave zero fucks. I could not bring myself to watch a fucking video or 2 and post a reply about said video. Reading about what has to be written about the final project also makes me want to cry. The class did not turn out at all how I thought it would be. There were few assignments to make things but they were like 5 pots required to be made from learning each skill and type of pot.  I really just want this semester to be over with and ...

 I don;t know if today could get more stressful... That is not a challenge universe!!  Election day is here and while all the people who are voting blue I am sure are stressed that we may not win, cause that is a possibility, I am about at the top of where I can handle it. Granted I am trying to stay away from anything political on the facebook and I don't watch the new because well i am not old and i dont need that kind of daily negativity in my life. so much so that I cringe when anthony readfs me the news from online and I have to gingerly remind him to shut the fuck up cause I dont weant to hear about it at all. Unless it is something happy then ok. And that is miy right. But I digress.... Also..... the roomies decided to make a special apperance for no fucking reason as farf as I know to come to the house. This eternally pissed me off because not only of saturdays refusal to wear a mask and her only face covering being a fucking sheild, but also she was photographed recen...

 SO we finally got word on Oct 26th that we are both laid off. While this saddens me to no end there have been a muriad of emotions that come with it. Most of which are just general depression. I knoow I need to put more aplications in but right now I just dont care about anything aT ALL!!! I don't want to eat or drink anythong, I have beendrinking so much for a long time now that either it just isnbt enough, im not drinking it fast wnough or i have had to much food to eat before  I start drinking. It is kinda a bummer cause I still have an unopened discounted box (24?) pack of beer as well as what ever beer is left in the fridge between the heinekin and the guinness. I also have 2 botttles of margarita mix as well as and impulsed bout , FREAKING YEATERDAY!!!, bottle of cocnut rum. Well I guess I sghould have said this first but I have decided to go sober for November. So theres that. I also think it may help my mental health a bit.  I want to start fresh and start eating...

   Note that if someone out there is actually reading this: I just write the way I do to get things out so there are spelling and punctuation errors and I am ok with that.    Threr are so many thing slooming over my head right now and its all driving me nuts. I can't concentrate on anythoing. I am trying to read a book and my thoughts drift... although that could just be my tendency.  The biggest thing tright now is that the roomies are coming home. And there are going to beso many things that will irritate me. I am trying to be poditive about it all but the reality comes shooting back to me any time I talk with saturday in a text exchange. Her problems with me are that I let my dog in but then I dont stay in the room and so he bugs her and such but then if i were to play with my dog how we do then her dogs are going to get all barky and bullshit. So that is one reason I can give her, that isnt a lie, as to why I don't hang out in the living room. Threr are 2 ot...

 It seems as though this is one of those nights where I am supposed to go to bed early but instead I am kept up late with my thoughts. Anything ranging from the shopping outing that  is planned for tomorrow to the up coming vacation we are going on at the end of the month.  Oh and you can never forget about the budget and such! That is always something to think about at this time of night.  I can't sleep so of course  I decide to get up and write it out. Make lists and do the things needed to clear my head. Of course it doesn't help, or hinder, the fact that I am high. CBD gummies are awesome. I do prefer them to smoking but I will still smoke on my weed pen until it runs out. Its a funny thing getting coton mouth without having smoked anything.  Tomorrow we are gong to go to Mira Loma and do some returns and shopping: Home depot to return light bulbs, Micheal's Craft store to return a drawing pad {I am most certainn that I used my digital card for this one...

Today has been a wierd day. I have to do my homework for the week but i can not seem to bring mself to do so. It seems so much harder than when I had to draw the fruit last week.  Wgile taking one of MANY breks or avoidance I read an article on The Mighty on FB. This one happened to mention dissociation. So I went and looked it up. Turns out that because of childhood neglect and or trauma (IE my father passing away when I was 11). The disturbing, for me part, was the fact that the articles I kept reading were mentioning things about chilhood sexual abuse which isn't the first time it has been brought to my attention in a manner of speaking.  One time when I was in on of my  many therapy sessions i was describing somehting to the lady and she rndomly asks if I was sexually abused as a child. I told her no that I knew of.... But it has always left this question on the back of my mind.... needless to say those articles did not help.  So back to today. Ihave been struggl...

Lately I have been having really great days! I have been making an effort to get up and make breakfast, with the exception of yesterday. That was becasue i decided to stay up the night before to watch a movie all the way through. BUUUUUUUTTTTTT yesterday was pretty good too. I have also been trying to figure out what to bring for lunches and such instead of resorting to buying lunch. Mainly because I have 0 dollars and i can not buy anything. Today will be a soup day which is fine. Is nice to have something warm at night to eat when its so cold out some nights. Right now I am frying up some onions to add to the eggs today so we can have a good breakfast before work. Tomorrow I plan on waking up and figureing out breakfast and wokring on the last of the adria reports. I am aiming to get them out of the way and finished that way I can hand the bag over and be done with this mess. Tomorrow I will also be attempting to make French onion soup in the instant pot. Not sure f that will be ...

Fuck around with the guy that your friend just stopped seeing...