Panda

 I never in a million life times thought that I would find new friends this late in life. It boggles my mind that I have found this community and so many new friends. It is beyond a bonus that I get to live the life I have wanted for so long. I was trapped in a relationship for longer than I care to admit where I had to suppress my inner needs and wants. I want more BDSM in my life I crave it and I need it. I love the way it makes me feel to have someone else in charge of me. It makes me so happy to have that and to do tasks for my partner and to have them appreciate me doing so.   After my last relationship I had decided to just jump into the deep end and fully embrace my kinky side. I never thought I would meet such a great man and have him be such a wonderful partner. I feel safe with him and he makes me feel special. 

 So Oz had wanted to date grip and because of my jealousy and insecurities I told him I was only ok with them kissing. When she found that out she called off everything, which is understandable. As I sit here and think about it and think about how much he loves me and that he isn't going to leave me for her I am toying around with the idea of giving him the go ahead to go and date her. I'd like to think it isn't out of guilt but more of my partner being happy. He is so quiet sometimes and I just wonder what goes through his head. I really don't want to loose him and I hope he is understanding of this journey that I have started. I want him to be happy and I want our relationship to be good. I don't think I am doing it because there is someone I want to date but more so that I think he might be unhappy because of them breaking up before they even got started. Luckily I h ave an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday so I can talk to her and get her feedback.  Als...

Today I am sad because I havent heard from my potential new guy at all. I don;t know why. He hs been all over the discord server talking ot people on there and suh and I just dont know whats up. I was waiting and hoping to see if he would message me first today but he didnt message me at all. I can only. I know that part of this is my doing because i didnt message him at all either. I dont know what is up with Sunday and what we are doing officially. we are supposed to go swimming at his aparement and the wath movies. I know Ox was supposed to have a date but aftr the things she wront in th epoly thread in the discord i dont think hes going on a date anymore. He hasnt said anything to me about it so i dont know whats going on with that either. I feel wrong going on a date if he isnt going to go on one too. I dont know what to do about that either because this is all new territory for me.  The things she rote out and the way people responded hurt me and made me feel bad but also the...

 This shit is hard when your brain has been programmed to be monogomus. I am struggling with it because I am afrid I am going to loose Oz to someone else because he likes them better than me. I also want and need a lot of attention and I fear that explaining to new people that i need them to tell me they are busy at work in order for my brain not to spiral is going to be to much. I sure as fuck picked a grerat time to go ahead and try this shit, although I wasn't expecting to be homeless (technically) and have all my things in storage as well as my dog being boarded for 2 months and not having been able to have him for a total of 3 months.  Thats one of the things that kills me and makes me so sad to think about. The reason I don't want to take him out for the day is because it will be so fucking hard having to turn him back in essentially. I havent been in the mood to read my poly book but I really need to get back into it. I shoulfd have written down that thing that someone ...