Panda

 i didnt want to take a shower but i forced myself to do so because I had a doctors appointment. when I was combing out my hair a lot of it came out because it is so damaged that its just breaking off. This threw me into a wild depression and also because we somehow dont have 25 dollars for dog food. 1anthony is unwilling to do more as far as getting more hours at work and this also make me sad. If he continues the way he is gong them he wont be able to pay his half of the bills and groceries and gass for everything. Things are going to change I just have to figure out a place for me to live.

 I hate it here in this house living with this judgemental btch and her stupid fucking untrained asshole dogs.God forbid she bother to actually yell at them and make them stop or even make them wear a shock collar. NNNNOOOOOO I have to invest my money into an anti-bark devie because this cunt of a stupid ass woman can't be bothered to fucking train her stupid little dogs who fucking charge at me when I come in the house. Fuck those dogs! I am also coming to a realization that I don't want to be in the relationship I am in with my boyfriend. I have taken care of him for many years and frankly he wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't made him go to the hospital for his foot ulcer that turn gang green. All this time I am the one who either m ade him make the phone calls for his fukcing health or have had to make them for me. Even goping as far as to call his insurance and put me on his account as someone who can call in and speak on his behalf because he has no fight in him....

 Well today had started a new thing for me. I have finally gone to see a psychiatrist and they have given me new drugs, I have been under the care of a psychiatrist before when I was 16, and I am super nervous to see what happens. Honestly I am a little freaked out about it but what can you do. I am hoping for the best but then again I know that this could take some time to find the right dosage and or the right dru for me. I need to go and put the pill sinto the new pill container but my room is a disaster and I dont really want to be in there. All I really want to do is get high and play the tetris game keith showed  us all last night over at Kasey's house. I have a million things to do today but I also dont want to do them. I do want to go and read my book and finish that.  Granted it is only 3:50 p.m. and I have all the time in the world for the next 8 hours to go ahead and do thing and then use the reading as a reward but I really don't want to do that.  I had w...

 This is the ever present question on my life right now. After being laid off due to the paneramic that we are in I have had a lot of time to th ink about my mental health and have had the time to be able to feel my feeling and be introspective about it all. It h as been a wild trip to say the least. There have been plenty of late night and many manic episode that have lead me to a cleaning spree because when I am depressed I don't want to do anything. These past few months  have been interesting to say the least. This week alone hs been a roller coaster of epic proportions. i wen t from being terribly horribly depressed to having a clear day. I don't feel ike this is a manic day today but simply a day where I am able to go out into the world withou feeling anxious about it even though I went to costco on a sunday. I have found that mentaly preparing for such a thing and going in with no cart is a HUGE HUGE help. I knew what I wanted and I went straight to it. In and out easy ...

 I am in the crappiest mood. I tried to work on my homework for art class and I can not make the color green i need from the 5 freaking colors I have to work with. It is due tonight by midnight and that is not going to happen. the back of my left leg hurts like i need to stretch it out and I have tried and it doesnt feel better. also my left knee hurts hbut it has been hurting for l;ike 2 weeks now so what the fuck ever to that shit. My back also hurts and being bent over the fucking table to do said hoemwork does not help. I for the life of me can not make myself sit up straight because I naturally bend over, big boobs are a bitch. I really really realy want to re organize the ;living room but my back hurts and I really shouldnt do that. I kinda want to smoke some we4ed and just veg out and as i wrote that I rememebered that Kaseys mopm is in the ER and I told her is she needs anything that se should call me and let me know.    I hate these dinning room chairs. they are ...

 Last Saturday I decided to do somethings and try to stick with them.  I sorted out my pills into a container and set an alarm to take the as well as one to remind me to refill them on Saturday nights. I also set an alarm to remind me to do my blood pressure. The first 2 days of doing things and keeping track of them went great. Yesterday I had struggled because I had to work on an assignment for college and it was hard for me to do it cause I don't know what i am doing. I gave myself the whole day to do it and made sure to take breaks when I felt I needed it the most. i finally had to just stop because I didn't know how to paint one thing and I was just as done as I could be ,mentally, with it. today has been a sad day. I want to cry over no nonsense things and I am just in general sad. I am supposed to be doing things like writing up a menu of all the foods we have in the house so I can meal plan/prep them so that way I can continue to eat healthier. Yesterday was a struggle...