I am angry and I want out

 I hate it here in this house living with this judgemental btch and her stupid fucking untrained asshole dogs.God forbid she bother to actually yell at them and make them stop or even make them wear a shock collar. NNNNOOOOOO I have to invest my money into an anti-bark devie because this cunt of a stupid ass woman can't be bothered to fucking train her stupid little dogs who fucking charge at me when I come in the house. Fuck those dogs!

I am also coming to a realization that I don't want to be in the relationship I am in with my boyfriend. I have taken care of him for many years and frankly he wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't made him go to the hospital for his foot ulcer that turn gang green. All this time I am the one who either m ade him make the phone calls for his fukcing health or have had to make them for me. Even goping as far as to call his insurance and put me on his account as someone who can call in and speak on his behalf because he has no fight in him. He has no drive. You want out of this stupid house then maybe you should work harder and do more. Get a fuvking credit card and build your fucking credit so if we were to ever have moved out together then we would be able to get a place with our combined credit score. I have encouraged him to do it with my bank and I haave tried to get him to do it through his Partners account but I dont know what the fuking hold up is. His old man ass doesn't trust paypal or venmo or zelle so we have to do things the hard way and he has to either pull out cash or I have to go to an ATM in a 7-11 and then go deposit it myself. Of  course there is the one digital way we can do things but then I have to enter my bank account information and I refuse to do that at this point. I am so sick of being the one to force him to do things or doing them for him because he won't do them. It's fucking bull shit and I am sick of it. I have also come to the realization that I don't want to have sex with him. He has become unattractive to me because he doesn't wash his hand on the regular, wears the same gross stained shorts every fucking day and has no pride in himself or care about himself to do better and present himself in a clean manner. Like why would I want to go out into public when you look raggity as shit. He also doesn't give a shit what I look like, nice or not. Last weekend when I was feeling myself he kept questioning me as to why I was getting so dressed up. I know he thought I was going ot go meet someone becasue he asked me several times what I was doing or where I was going. I literally had no plans to go anywhere but he called out and I am assuming that he thought that if he did that hen I wsan't going to go anywhere or some shit. Yeah I have cheated in the past, and maybe I should have taken that as my sign to leave then, but I wasn't planning on doing anything. Call me crazy but the fact that he doesnt care whether or not my legs are shaved is something that doe incat, as my best friend pointed out, affect my mental health. Like I know he wants me to be comfortable and do whatever I want but what I want is for him to give a shit what I look like as far as that kinda shit is concerned. Thats great and all that he would support me if I wanted to not shave my legs and such but I would like for him to desire me in that way, or any way really other than just crazing my ass whenever it is in front of him which is a lot because he is in a wheelchair. 

He doesn't respect my boudries when I set them and that really pisses me off, especially this last one he tried to brush off and I had to be really stern about it. There were several times when he would touch my belly and I would tell him not to because I don't like it and he would be like 'well I do so don't worry about it' kind of thing. and I am like well I don't fucking like when you touch it and i am glad that you don't mind my bellly but it is someting about me that I am not happy with. 

He likes a crazing touch and I don't but he does it to me. Like i get that thats what you like but that doesn't mean I do. I get that you touch me the way you want to be touched cause I do the same but god damn. 

 Says he was wearing the prosthetic leg because he  'knows' it makes me happy and in reality I would love for him to wear it but not at the cost of his pain level. Thats just dumb. But also why the fuck didn't you get it adjusted in the first fucking place like i had suggested when we first go the most recent one. I tried to encourage him to go do it but of course he gave up, so what am I supposed to do!?!?!?!!!

Ever since I have realized that I don't want to be with him I have been cold and distant to him whenever he is around me. I know this isn't fair but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to lead him on so i have no idea how to handle it all. I am also just sad about it. Thinking of all the things we do together and how I wam trying to get hired in the same store as he is in. I don't know what to do at this point. It also doesn't help that I have no where to go if I did break up with him. There is also the huge news that if I weren't in his life them he probably would have offed himself by now. Like how the fuck does someone deal with that. He just started his therapy journey and I just restarted mine about 2 weeks ago. He told me he told his therapist that shit about unaliving himself if it werent for me being in his life. What the fuck. So now I can't leave him and I have nowhere to go anyways. ugh!!!