Panda

There are times when I go to the movies and they make me depressed. i don't know why I get so emotionally into the movie, it just happens. i am sad now, although I think I have been depressed for awhile now. I don't want to sleep at night and waking up is becoming harder and harder. There is alot on my mind and I don't know where to begin. How about when anthony corrected me when I had corrected a cast member on congratulating us on getting married. I told him we hadn't but that we would one day and I thanked him for his well wishes to which anthony told me that he just says thank you and moves on. I don't know if we are going to get mrried. He has taken the babies step towards this in getting a shit job at a shit amusement park who shuts down all the god damn time. He needs to be looking for a better job but who knows what he is doing during the day while he watches the dog. Oh yeah I do know. He is siting there playing video games watching stupid youtube videos ...

So my roommate and his girlfriend re now engaged. They have known eachother less than a year and they are engaged. Mean while Anthony and I are going on 3 1/2 years and he still can't get a fucking job! He won't go out and walk so he can build up the strength in hid legs to be abkle to work for 4 hours a day. It makes me incedibly sad. I want to be married to him but I am at the point of leaving him if he doesnt find a job by the time our 4 year anniversary comes around. How much more shit can I be put through. Sure he "has a plan" for asking me to mary him and how he plans to do it but to get there you have to have a job and have money to do these things and quit being a spineless litle bitch. Learn to stand up for yourself. Geez! So now I have to wait to see if the happy couple will be home while I am and then I have to fake happiness for them. I would rather just avoid them all together because that would be much easier for me, but thats mean to them I suppose....

These are al the things I want in life but I can't have them because my boyfriend can't and wont get a fucking job. He has to be so damn picky about everything when it comes finding a job. This is the reason, he claims that he hasnt asked yet. Now that he has told me about our friends and roommates getting engaged it makes me sad and want to cry. THEY HAVENT EVEN KNOWN EACH OTHER A YEAR!! we are going on three and a half years together and he still doesnt have a fucking job! we cant move forward together in life because of him. I blame all of this on him. An of course he had to tell me right before a vacation. I am going to try not to let it ruin my vacation but who knows what will happen. He jus sits there al day long dreaming all these big dreams, but what about making them happen. Yeah ok you can get a job for a month once a year to work at the fucking halloween show at a stupid small amusement park. WOOPEDYDO! and then you dont eeven claim your fucking taxes!! UGH!!! I swea...

There is so much I want to do and so littl time for me to doit. I feel that if i was more organized and focused I could get there. I want to get a planned and I want to organize things but then again I don't have much to plan. I sawsomething on facebook aboutbullet journaling, and amwatching a video. This looks interesting. I might want to start diong this. I have a journal, hell i have a ton of journals I can do this with. I really need to get to work, but I really dont feel like it. I feel like there is so much gong on right now and maybe I need to do something. I haven'tfound anything that works f or me.

Time is something I wish I had more of. Time to sit and read, time to sit and just listen to the trees and squirrels while I knit. Time to research things like cake decorating or whatever I choose. I just want some free time that's not scheduled to do anything. I want only one j9b. I want a day off. I want to not be to chicken to ask for a day off once a week. I want a job I don't hate. I just want to be left alone in silence and not be bothered by 50 million things. I want time to think about things. I want time to breath. Time to enjoy my time off. Time to cook and not be tired ask the time.  Time to not be sad about things. Just time.  Is all I need.

I don't know if I am ever going to get marri3d. I don't know what anthony is thinking other then he wants to marry me but he wants to wait till he is in a stable job. I don't see any of this happening any time soon. I also know I'm not going to have a nice big wedding. Mine will be small and probably in the back yard. I really just want to cry. I know it's selfish of me and everything. Going to two of my cousins big beautiful church weddings make me depressed. I am so happy for them but I know that my dreams are not going to come true. I've tried encouraging anthony and I've tried crying after a break down. I don't want to have two jobs anymore. I just want one job like a normal person. All he does is make xcuses as to why this job and that job are not good or why he can't or Won't do them. And it pisses me off. I've worked my ass off for over a year now at 2 jobs. I want a fucking break! How long is long anough that I put up with this befor...

I miss blogging. It helped me to get alo t of things out without fear of it being read. Although there was one time i guess i left it open and anthony read it and he didnt day anything for a couple of years. He just lives in fear of when I am going to leave him. (this isnt starting where I thought is would) I dont know if its a phase I am going through, the word going through my head is repulsed, but i am just grossed out by him. I dont know how often he showers. His reasoning, which i sorta understand, for not showering on the regular is bevcause he is at home all day not doing enything and not going anywhere so why shower.  Maybe that would be ok if her were to wear the deodarant i bought him but he doesnt because he doesnt want to wasite it if he isnt going out. He smells like B.O all the time. his legs smells because of the leg thing he has to wear to wear his prothetic leg. I get it, you sweat a lot. but if youd wash the damn things more often then it wouldnt be a fucking isue...