Dear sister, You remeber that time that you said you weren't going to let me take advantage of mom and you said how I pick my friends over my family...? Ya wanna know why..? Because when I was a kid and I wanted to have my sister play with me during the summer swimming, playing cards, whatever, but you never wanted to. In fact I ended up playing uno by myself with my teddy bear. Yes I knew at the time how stupid it was and I knew all the cards in the hand but you know what; I DIDNT HAVE ANY ONE ELSE TO PLAY WITH!!!!! All you wanted to do was watch tv. As we got over and you brought your friends arounf the house to hang out and I would hang out with you all because some of them were my friends too you would tell them "oh don't mind her, she's a scorpio". You would do this all of the time in front of me and them. So explain to me how when those are the majority of a persons memories growing up with their big sister who was always a fucking jerk to them, why they ...
Posts
There's always time to learn a alesson
I really hate that I miss im but also it's the concept of the relationship he promised. He didn't fullfill his end of the bargain. Now I am just left here to my own devices. I am heart broken on multiple fronts. Just being fucking tossed away and shit. That shit feel super fucking great. I want to write aletter to Mavel's stupid wife. I want to remind her that she is the one who said that her and her family wanted nothing to do with me and thats the reason why she bitched out of meeting. She knew I am awesome and that I won't take her shit. That's the real reason why she wanted to meet up. But when she figured out that I wasnt going to play her game. I would win against her and thats what she doesnt like about this whole situation. I was showing him how love should be and she didn't want him to see that becasue then she loses her little minion. I want to tell her that if what he says is true, which I am aimed tobelieve it is so, that she is a horribly manipul...
Trash TeeHee
Today I had been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing and getting things ready to go to donations and shit. Just in a general 'let's get this shit out of the house' kind of mood. I had found the extra silverware some time ago but I put it on my every elongating list of things to do around this gods damned house. Well mom commented on how the silverware needs to get done more often or we need to buy more. So today I got out the extra ones we had and stuck them in the dishwasher. It was kinda fun because I stuck them in there all willy nilly. To the left of me is the under the sink cabinets where we keep the pod thingy's for the dishwasher. So I grab one but then I think to myself "I wonder whats in here....". I open up the left side of the cabinet and sitting in there on top of this shelf thing we have under there is some trash! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA I completely understand the confusion because the trash cabinet it directly to the left of t...
Happy Things..
the first book I first read about dementia mentioned writing things out as TeeHee moments. The first one that happened was when I came home and i had to use the bathroom really badly. I go in and the toilette bowl was cleaned. I had been meaning to get around to it but you know how that goes. So I do my business and then I look to where the toilette paper should be on the counter. and to my surprise.... it wasn't there. So of course I look in the cabinet because I know for a fact that I had 2 other rolls in there. They were also missing!!! Luckily there was tissue near by! After giving it some thought I figured that maybe mom had come in and taken the toilette paper. I found all of the rolls of toilette paper from my bathroom in hers. We have different types we prefer so I know it was mine. The icing on the cake is that se didn't see the 2 rolls on the back of her toilette tank. Also, Whenever we go a certain way to Costco mom will see al the pretty ...
Another sleepless night
That is what is head of me right now. My mind is wondering and racing and I am sad and depressed. Not only for my mothers diagnosis but because I thought I found this wonderful guy but turns out it isn't what I thought and had hoped it would be. it seems that no matter how clearly you communicate what you want and need in a relationship you won't get it. That is something that boggles my mind because it is kind of like making a deal. You each say what you what and need out of the relationship and you're like "yeah, ok. I can do that" but then one of you can't because of your home life and then the other, me, feels abandoned again which was the whole point of starting all of this. So now I sit here feeling bad because yes obviously I want my mother to live a long and happy life and have her remain as independant as she can be for as long as she can be but the weight is bearing down on me. This shit is going to be hella fucking hard and as much as I try no...
And we have a diagnosis.....
Well as of the second my 72 year old mother has been officially diagnosed with Dementia. It is literally one of my worst fears coming to fruition. This is something I am coming to terms with. I am trying to tackle it as best I can by controlling the things I can control and figuring out the rest as I go. Making plans to make lists and such is how I am handling it. I had already taken over her medication and how she takes it because the way she was doin it was a nightmare and gods know if she was actually taking them. So at least now we know if she did or not. Making it a routine to have them on the counter for her in the morning for when she wakes up. routine is going to be the name of the game from now on. I want to try to get her to get into the habit of maybe walking for 30 minutes a few times a week to start. I also need to tackle the food that she is eating as that is also supposed to help but for right niw I am just working o...
Just getting some things out
I feel like I just need to get some things out. There is so much going on and I just want to scream sometimes. I wish i didn't want to not exist for one. Like why am I like this. its one of the many things in life that aren't fdair. Why os life so fucking god damn hard. I fucking hate it. Why do I have to deal with all of this fucking shit. On the flip side, why and I so god damn good at do the things like taking care of mom and her needs and making sure she is ok but not being able to take care of myself. Why do I not care about myself as much as I care abpout her?! Leaving the SCK server, well just not checking in on it anymore, makes me sad but at the same time it is so much better for my mental health. I don't end up feeling sad and depressed because no one isn't liking or responding to the things I post. It was something that was part of my kink jpourney but for right now that isn't where I am concentrating my efforts in life. I may...
giving up
Giving up on other but at the same time giving myself the space to be better mentally. Why do things that make me no feel good mentally when it is already terrible inside my head. Yeah I miss seeing whats going on inside the server but at the same time I do not miss feeling like no one cares about me when I do post stuff. The server has changed and I don't see it as a good thing. I don't know who or why I was nominated for a community role thing. It doesn't make sense to me especialy since they basically took away the one thing I was doing that they liked anyways. This whole Marvel thing has got me twisted too. Like I am putting way to much effort in for to little return. I have asked for more and have not gotten more. I really don't want to sit in my car all day and have the engine running becasue that is going to waste gas and I don't have an income right now so no thank you. I also don't want to sit in the car all day with out the engine on because it i...
WTF Mel!
How is this bitch going to come at me and ambush me and attack me saying that she know I blocked her and that her and Kasey are going to do the book podcast KAsey had wanted to start. Go ahead ya dumb cunt! I don't fucking care. I dont care to be around you and your two faced bullshit. We aren't friends and never have been really. We don't talk on social media and other then when we are both hanging out with KAsey we don't interact. You left the group chat so fuck it. Why does it matter so much to you whether or not we are friends on social media. I get it and your world is small but come the fuck on. Grow the fuck up and just fucking let it go!! You are a horrible person and friend. You talk shit behind everyones back and you are fake as fuck. You want to pretend like you fucking know me when infact you don't know shit about me. I don't want to share anything about myself with you becasue I know you are just going to go behind my back and talk shot about it...
why is life like this..?
Why do things have to be so god damn hard. No matter what your going to get screwed up by your parents and just life in gewneral. There is nothing you can do to prevent it.. It will just eventually just learn to fuck you over. I jut want o feel like I am good enough for someone to give me what I wnt and need but I am begining to think that that isn't going to ever happen. No matter how honest and upfront I am with what I want and need it doesn't matter. I mean when you out right tell someone that you want to be chased and your tired of being the one who is doing all the chasing and then next thing you know you never hear from them again. Like wtf MArco!! You are the one who recontacted me and you are the one who said that you missed me but apparently it wasnt that much!!! You said you had a differnt job and you would have time for me yet you made no efforts to ask me out or make plans with me. So when I didn;t here from you after taking my mom to LAX I figured fuck it!! I a,...
Emotions. We hates them...
Well at least the bad ones anyways. I think I threw to much of myself at Marco. I jumped in and didnt even look into where Io was jumping. Just a blind leap of faith. I think I need to take a step back and chill out. i have been in my emotions for a couple of days or so. I just want everything to stop being so difficult. I don't want to wish it all would end. I don't want to hurt the people I love so I keep things liek tis to myself. I just don't want to fel anymore. I am sick of this endless cycle of bullshit. Ias it lover or is it juat that he is paying attention to me? is it both maybe? I don't know. I don't know if I know what love is. I meran the kind where you fall in love with someone not like Oh i lkove you because i care about you. Is that the same?
thinking
my mind is always wondering. There is always something going on inside of it.Or at least theats what it feels like. Tonight is no exception. I need to get off this one pill because I think it might be the cause of the food issues I have been having. I recently, like yesterday, figured out that i have a dry mouth as one of the side effects. I do not nkow which one right now but I did google things, cause google is "always" right lol. This is the thing I hate. I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep, Last night i ws up till 4 a.m. and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep. I feel that I have done pretty good today considering that. I watched some of The Walking Dead But then I was struck with the urge to clean my room so i did that. I fel great about that because the room isn't so cluttered. . Maybe tomorrow I will set up the play station and take a shower. I need to shower as well. damn it now i need to make a list of stuff to do tomorrow but also |I need to ice my ba...
I really just want to end it all. I want all of this suffering and heart ache to just go the fuck away. I don't know how to do so so I don't know what to do. I want to go to sleep but my mind is racing right now because we are in the middle of a fight and idk wtf is going on. I am proud of myself for just letting go of Derick and realising that his attention wasnt worth shit. He was shitty at it so good bye. I am done! I just want to cry and die. That is all. I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die just fucking kill me already i hate this world. Whats the fucking point anymore. I have no where to go. I will just live out of a storage place FUCK EVERYTHING I can't tell anyone these kinds of things because I know they will be worried and i don't want that. I just literally want to disappear into the nothing that I am.
Die
I kinda just want to die right about now. Life is really hard and I can't seem to catch a break. I am trying so hard to make plans with people, specifically guys I like, and nothing is going through. Meanwhile Oz has 2 girls he is interesterd in and he gets to go and spend time with them. I just want to hang out with my boyfriend and feel like he wants me back because unless I initiate trying to make a plan with him he doesn't initiate shit with me. That makes me feel like shit. He is more than willing to make plans to go hang out with Sara and now Lindsey but not me and that makes me feel like complete and utter shit. He doesn't want to deal with anything unpleasant and I think thats why he doesn't want to do anything with me. I honestly don't know what to think because he doesn't say shit until it exp[lodes out of him. I really just want to die. I don't want to be here anymore. This is all to hard for me to deal with and I just don't care anymore. T...
*shrug*
I am feeling eall inseure about my relatuoinshi with oz beause I am an inseccure mes right now. He is trying to date these 22 onderful people whom are so muh better than me at bing poy and I am afraid he is going to get sik of my shit and leave me. i really hate this shit. I m sick of my own shit and sick of feeling this way but I dont know what to do about it. 'i am working on things but it is hard and i just want him to not date anyone and only date me to make it easier on me while I go out and date 5 people all at once. I just want to be selfish and hae him al to myself. He is my human secuity blanket and now others are trying to tke it away from me piece by piece
insecurity
I was just getting used to the idea of my partner having 1 other partner. Nnow there is someone who wants to ge to tknow him and I dont know in what capacity but it is still bugging me an making me feel insecure. I should be sleeping right now but I can not get this out of my head. I did write it down for the next radar session we are going to have next monday I am trying not to freak out about it but i cant help it right now. definitely catastraphising the whole thing right now. I just want things to be steady for a while and I know by accepting this polyam stuff with him I kinda have to accept other possibilities but do i/? I am sad. I just an things to be steady and easy for just one freaking second. I have done so much work to get here and I thought I would maybe catch a break.
feels
So there is a SCK Halloween party this Sunday and Oz and I will be there and so will Sara, his potential new girlffriend. I am having some feelings about how thats going to go and how I am going to feel when he hugs and kisses on her and such. I think we need to have a talk as to what to expect when we are all 3 there. I feel like I need to be eased into the PDA between her and him. Maybe I will just look away. Eventually I would like to get Carlos, my new potential bf, into the SCK server and see what he thinks of my friends and such. I never would have thought being 37 and making new friends and going and hanging out with them and us having so much fun stuff in common. It baffles my mind that this has happened.