Panda

 my dog is boarded, i don't know if i can actually afford a place to live, i'm not ready for oz and i to open up our relationship but i don't have a fucking choice and all of this is killing me.  i just want to curl up into a ball and die.  I am not ready for all of this but what choice do i have?! i don't! I was told i could have time but apparently that wasn't true.   i guess time will tell how true the rest of things that were said are.

 it all seems to fall apart. Thats how it feels anyways. I h ad pulled out 200 so i could put it into my partners bank to finally be caught up on my bills and such. Today when I went to harbor point to drop oz off at work and drop off the costumes i was going to go put the money in that bank. But I didnt have my atm card and the branch was closed. So later i go to get my perscriptions from kaiser and it comes out to be 100 dollars. the universe made sure i had money to get the pills.  I dont know if it was befcause of that and or the fact tha oz texts me that the black widow charecter in DCA is not only super hot but she is super nice too and that threw me throuhg a loop. Whenever he says things like that to me it hits m e like a mac truck and make me think that maybe I am not cut out for this. I want to be because I know how much attention i require and or need.  i am supposed to do this exercise for poly therapy but i dont remebere what it is. i know i am supposed to se...

 Today was the first appointment that I have had with a Kaiser mental health person. While she was a nice enough lady and dealt with me as best as posssible i hated the entire experience. She kept asking questions I didnt have the answer to because I was 16 the first time i got mental health. so of course I end uup a crying mess because its so fucking over whelming. i have to do a part 2 on fucking friday because we couldn't get through everything in a hour and a freaking half!! Its not that i dont want to do it, just that I want this part to be over with asap!! The appointment left me so drained and just numb. I still sort of want to cry about it but there is nothing I can do at the monment about that because I dont feel like cryuing right now and i already cried so much today. at least i got my knee fixed for now with a cortisone shot and my teeth are clean. Speaking of which it is abouyt time to go and brush them, 

 Why do I have to always be the hard working responsible one?  Why can't I be the one to tbe taken care of. I just want a fucking break. I want someone to care for my every need and to be oncerned if i take my pills or go to my doctors appoinments.i want someone to do my laundry and meal prep for me and make sure I am ok. i dont think this is somthing that will ever happen no matter how hard i try. Most times i cant let go of control but most times i really want to. I dont want to be responsible. ive grow up waay to fast and as a result of that i am fucking damaged.  i suffer in silence because i cant lt anyone see that i am weak. if they do then who would I even be. people are always to busy with thier own shit to notice me and here i am jut wantng basic ttention at time. I know i can be a handful but sometimes thats not so true  I dont kno what it is about the act or thought of going to work that i dont like. i love my ob and i like the people there and despite the...