My own happiness project
so about 2 years ago i started reading this bok i found at work called The Happiness Project by Gretchen B. She goes though a year in her life and starts in January with her project of how to be happier in her life and how to appreciate thing more. I picked it up again and started reading it on the bus. Another great side effect of taking the bus is i get to read more. Its harder and harder to knit on the bus because i have to pack it in my backpack and then depending on the size of the project it get complicated. So reading is it for me. It also saves me from mindlessly scrolling though face ook and instagram for a couple hours out of my life, but at home it has the added benefit of not staring at a TV for many many hours.
So anyways...... I have always struggled with my own happiness.I dont know if i have ever truely been happy. I was going to erase that sentence because i thought to myself that i have been happy but in different ways. There is the elation i get from working at the most magical place on earth, or the happiness i get when Anthony does something really sweet and thoughtful, when I get to hang out or talk to my best friend in the world Kasey, or when I am able to just be at home and be myself. i have this roommate and she is also an alpha type. I am in no way saying i am perfect cause i knwo i am not but she has this passive agressive way of asking for things to be done. She will say things like "It would be nice if this got done" or send a text in the group chat saying "this sure is heavy". I'm thinking to myself that this 45+ year old woman can't be a gorwn ass adult and just say "hey, could you come help please." so dealing with that mentally is severly taxing because i never know what kind of mood she is going to be in when i come home. There are days when i come home and she asks how was work and she will get up off the couch and come into he kitchen and do stuff while i am trying to put my lunch box stuff away. Most days i don't have any fascinating stories and i don't really want to talk about work anyways since i am beginning to hate it at the craft store anyways. Well the good news is that they are finally off on their adventures doing their camping and such, which was the whole point of us moving in here was so that they could go do that stuff and hve someone watching over the house.
Onto my project: I weigh more now than i have ever weighed in my entire life. 286.2 is what the scale said today after working out. I am going to take down all my measurements and such here in a minute. Of course i have like fifteen thousand blank journals laying around so i grabbed one of those to write them down in. I have been wanting to work our for a very long time and i prefer the gym or to do it when i am at home alone cause i feel like a major fat ass when i am doing shit and i dont want anyone to see me doing it. So now that I have more chances to be at home in the a.m. alone i can do this. However there is and or was a huge mental block on me doing it as well. I think for me the mental part is like 90% of the battle, but thats the same with everything in my life.
Reading this book has helped me get to where i need to be to be able to start working out. Gretchen goes though the year and adds things on from one month to the next so that in march she is dong all the January and February things as well as the march stuff. I don't think i quite need something like that but i do need the accountability part of it all which i have to maintane myself. The really ironic thing is i joined this fitness group (long story there) and have been a stalker for awhile now. I was all into the energy suppliments the dude was selling and they worked great. It has helped me with working 2 jobs and not sleeping a whole lot. I tried to do challenges with Kase and the group but i would get 2 days in and just not do it. I don't know if it was just the challenge itself i didnt like or what.
So today was day 2 of working out. The only reason i didn't want to do it was because i was so fucking sore from the first day. I knew that would happen but i also know that my body will get used to it. I also know that my knees will get stronger. I remember the last time i did this workout DVD and when i was able to go up the front 3 steps at the old house with no problem at all. I had knee surgery to repair a torn ACL in my left knee when i was 24. i of course, against my mother suggestions, didn't keep up with the PT exercises and guess what, i do regret that mom. YOU WERE RIGHT. Now with the added weight (i used to weigh a solid like 260? for 10 years and actually lost a good 40 lbs about 5 years ago) now my knees are killing me on an almost daily basis. I don't eat right, i stress eat, i lazy eat.... You name it i have the excuse to eat some shitty foods. OH its time for my period BRING ON THE DOUGHNUTS!!!! not just 1 but 3...in a 20 minute time span. Totaly regretted that when i got a bad stomach ache.
Yesterday i turned to Kase and told her i wanted to go out to eat even though i had already prepped meals at home to eat. I did get up and ate some of that food and she of course told me to do so. I need support in all of this and i don't really get any from anthony. He tries to be sweet and indulges my every whim becuse i work hard according to him and i deserve what i want. Which is really really sweet of him but that doen't help me in this journey.
There was aperiod of time when I use to go workout with Patrick and he and i would workout togeher and that was sucha great motivator for me. He was ther to keep me going and such. No i just rely on myself which is really hard for me to do. I have finally figured out that i thrive in an enviroment where i al told what to do and when to do. As weird as it may seem, we can't all be managers. Someone has to be there to go and do tha work that is delegated to them. same goes with my working out. I need structure, i crave it.
About 4 years ago we moved into the Elmwood house and thats when i found out that right down the street and around the corner, litterally, was someone i went to highschool with. I had to double check the year book because i did not remeber her at all, but she was a seller of this beach body workout stuff as was a coworker or mine at the time. So i ordered the 21 Day fix package. It has a DVD and measuring portion cups and books of foods you should eat and a calculation based on a few things of how many calories your need that determined how many of what color portion cup you get each day. It was a lot of food, A LOT! granted it was all healthy eating and such but still, i practically ate all day! i lost a good 10 pounds in a month of some shit. And of course it worker becasue the 2 things you need to do to loose wiehgt is eat healthy and work out, okay well there's a 3rd and that eating less. Less friend bad foods and such. There was a cook book she did that had excellent tasty recipies that of course included the colored portion cups in it as well.
I started that DVD again. yay me!
Measurement are now done and i am going to go eat breakfast.
So anyways...... I have always struggled with my own happiness.
Onto my project: I weigh more now than i have ever weighed in my entire life. 286.2 is what the scale said today after working out. I am going to take down all my measurements and such here in a minute. Of course i have like fifteen thousand blank journals laying around so i grabbed one of those to write them down in. I have been wanting to work our for a very long time and i prefer the gym or to do it when i am at home alone cause i feel like a major fat ass when i am doing shit and i dont want anyone to see me doing it. So now that I have more chances to be at home in the a.m. alone i can do this. However there is and or was a huge mental block on me doing it as well. I think for me the mental part is like 90% of the battle, but thats the same with everything in my life.
Reading this book has helped me get to where i need to be to be able to start working out. Gretchen goes though the year and adds things on from one month to the next so that in march she is dong all the January and February things as well as the march stuff. I don't think i quite need something like that but i do need the accountability part of it all which i have to maintane myself. The really ironic thing is i joined this fitness group (long story there) and have been a stalker for awhile now. I was all into the energy suppliments the dude was selling and they worked great. It has helped me with working 2 jobs and not sleeping a whole lot. I tried to do challenges with Kase and the group but i would get 2 days in and just not do it. I don't know if it was just the challenge itself i didnt like or what.
So today was day 2 of working out. The only reason i didn't want to do it was because i was so fucking sore from the first day. I knew that would happen but i also know that my body will get used to it. I also know that my knees will get stronger. I remember the last time i did this workout DVD and when i was able to go up the front 3 steps at the old house with no problem at all. I had knee surgery to repair a torn ACL in my left knee when i was 24. i of course, against my mother suggestions, didn't keep up with the PT exercises and guess what, i do regret that mom. YOU WERE RIGHT. Now with the added weight (i used to weigh a solid like 260? for 10 years and actually lost a good 40 lbs about 5 years ago) now my knees are killing me on an almost daily basis. I don't eat right, i stress eat, i lazy eat.... You name it i have the excuse to eat some shitty foods. OH its time for my period BRING ON THE DOUGHNUTS!!!! not just 1 but 3...in a 20 minute time span. Totaly regretted that when i got a bad stomach ache.
Yesterday i turned to Kase and told her i wanted to go out to eat even though i had already prepped meals at home to eat. I did get up and ate some of that food and she of course told me to do so. I need support in all of this and i don't really get any from anthony. He tries to be sweet and indulges my every whim becuse i work hard according to him and i deserve what i want. Which is really really sweet of him but that doen't help me in this journey.
There was aperiod of time when I use to go workout with Patrick and he and i would workout togeher and that was sucha great motivator for me. He was ther to keep me going and such. No i just rely on myself which is really hard for me to do. I have finally figured out that i thrive in an enviroment where i al told what to do and when to do. As weird as it may seem, we can't all be managers. Someone has to be there to go and do tha work that is delegated to them. same goes with my working out. I need structure, i crave it.
About 4 years ago we moved into the Elmwood house and thats when i found out that right down the street and around the corner, litterally, was someone i went to highschool with. I had to double check the year book because i did not remeber her at all, but she was a seller of this beach body workout stuff as was a coworker or mine at the time. So i ordered the 21 Day fix package. It has a DVD and measuring portion cups and books of foods you should eat and a calculation based on a few things of how many calories your need that determined how many of what color portion cup you get each day. It was a lot of food, A LOT! granted it was all healthy eating and such but still, i practically ate all day! i lost a good 10 pounds in a month of some shit. And of course it worker becasue the 2 things you need to do to loose wiehgt is eat healthy and work out, okay well there's a 3rd and that eating less. Less friend bad foods and such. There was a cook book she did that had excellent tasty recipies that of course included the colored portion cups in it as well.
I started that DVD again. yay me!
Measurement are now done and i am going to go eat breakfast.
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