So many things
My life has been very interesting lately.
Recently I read an article about how childhood neglect causes all these things that are actually relevant to me. It was a very interesting thing to realize that this thing from my childhood had a name and there were common things that came from it. The only thing I can not figure out is how to deal with it and fix things in my head.
I have always been more self aware than most but at the same time I also block a lot out as well as not paying attention to things. I don't know how to better pay attention to things in my life so that I can remember simple things like coworkers names and such. I simply do not pay attention to their name tags. I also have this huge anxiety issue that i feel is growing out of control in some ways. Minor things, like where i have to park for work had to change and that freaked me the fuck out. I did know where the lot was but i didn't know how long it would take to find a spot and i didn't have my usual route planned out and the there was the shuttle aspect of it all and making sure that I got there on time and I knew where to get picked up for the shuttle to go back to the ride parking lot. There was one day where out of habit I got onto the shuttle to go to Klot and then before we left the pick up area i realized that I had taken the bus into work. This is something I don't think I can effectively blame being tired on because for the most park I have been trying to only work 1 job a day because i am less of a bitch that way.
Last week, or maybe the week before (I don;'t usually pay attention to days, just things i have to do that day), my best friend and her family drove out here for her husband to go to a boat for the remainder of his Coast Guard career. We had hung out with other people and played some card games and such and had wine, it was very very nice. I would like to imagine that more nights like that are in the future when they all get to come back home to California. When everyone had gone and the kids were finally asleep and she and i were talking we somehow got on to the subject of her youngest daughters learning struggles and how much that en tales. I never had that kind of guidance and help at all. Sure after dad died mom took me to a therapist and then they did some testing of some sorts. The only thing I really remember is that there was a reading test and it was determined that i add S's to words when I read. I am pretty ure that I am also dyslexic and that there is some mild for of not quite reterdation but that there is always going to be a struggle when it comes to me learning new things, especially in a school setting. I am nto good at school stuff. Give me a vacuum cleaner and tell me it is broken and I will figure out how to take it apart and get it working again. Hell i am still so shocked that I was able to fix he washing machine like i did with a 10 item from amazon.
I have learned about myself that i am not a leader and that it is OK. I try to remind myself of that as often as i need to because there is so much self doubt that its so not even funny. I constantly doubt myself, my confidence is shot. I think I have tried to take on so many things that everything is falling off me perspective plate. Factor in that i am also a bit of a control freak who has a fucking spending problem and then you've got yourself into about 15K in debt that you cant seem to get out of. I tell my partner to hide my cards and don't let me use them but then I do sneaky ass shit like add them to my Samsung wallet and then if he doesn't check the bank account then he won't know what it is that I am doing. Or that i have resurrected my cards and am making purchases on new clothes. Bu at the same time I wanted a new pair of Bermuda shorts. The ones I have had are about 10 years old and have already been fixed at least 1 time and there was a day where i squatted down and i heard a rip and I knew it was time to get new ones. This of course led me to looking which always leads me to buying because god forbid I don't get what I want and when I want it (thanks mom for ALWAYS giving into my little whinny ass). Yes i am a grown ass almost 35 year old woman who has these issues but there are time like these that i like to kindly remind myself that there are so many other people out there who are struggling with all the issues they have and the things from their childhood that have left them scared and to pck up the peieces and deal with this frankestein of a person that is left from that.
There are so many days where I wish I could go to therapy on a regular basis and there are so many more days where I wish I was more normal for the sake of myself and that sake of my guy. That man has put uu with so much o my shit and the fact that he still wants to help me get up when I struggle and hold me when I need it makes me love him even more.
I have been wanting to write in my journal a lot lately but I havent had tie to do it even though I know i have needed it to be able to get somehtings off my chest and out of my head. There is so much to worry about and there is so much I have to juggle n a daily basis its crazy.
Here isteh thing about me shopping, i can not afford shit. Most weeks I can barely afford to get to work via bus or my own car. I have not had insurance for well over a year and even at that my last policy was only written out to last august. Some how the DMV went ahead and proccessed my registration just fine and i am so thankful for that. I wanted new shorts so I could be more comfortable in the summer. Legings are great and all but my legs needed to breath and the only other option was my jean work pants which i try not to wear because i need them to last as long as possible for however long my career will last with michaels. p.s. I ahte that fucking job and the bull shit politics that go on there, but i digress. So there are a few basic things I need at the very least to go to work and one of them i undegarments. underwear in particular. There was a sale of 7 for $35 which is agreat deal because I onlybuy my undewear from 1 store, I am uirky and sepcific as fuck!!! I m sorry hunny. SO I thought hey, i really need more underwear as more and more of what I have got is ripping and tearing. So much so that just religating it to be period panties was a bit of a strectch but what are you going to do when it is something you hae to have.
Also, I am lazy as fuck because I work both jobs. I am already a quiet introverted type of a person. I am realizing that normal conversations with people are hard for me and I really do need time to recover afterwards from events and thing. That being said, both of my jobs are customer service related and force me to talk to people. Beaus I have a prescripted subject it makes this easier for me to be able to talk to a person at work, but that doesn't make it any less taxing in the long run. So when I get home I do not want to talk to anyone about anything. If i feel like mentioning to you that there was particularly interestng story of customer then great, but other than that I do not want to talk. I want to just turn my brain off and not use it for as long as humanly possible. I will chek mycalendar and make sure I know where i have to go and what hat i need to put on for the next day, but that ias about all the mental capacity I have left at the end of the day. This is ESPECIALLY true with two other factors. One of which is whether or not I ahve had to work both my jobs in one day. That usualy means i am up at some ungodly hour like 4 a.m. and i ave to be on a bus surrounded by other people and my anxiety is on high alert for that somedays depending on how many people are on the bus.. Then I go to my other job at5 and am there till at least 915-930. that is a 16 hour day which i am usually fueled by a minimum of 4 hours of sleep and a rather large coffee, or two depending on how tired i am. Now i knwo youre thinking to yourself why didnt i sleep more when i went to bed. There is this thing my mind likes to do when i have to get up early the next day regardless if its a simple trio to disneylad (yay) or if i have to work both jobs. i simply can not sleep. I am either to excited or somehow the magic that is sleepy when i am lying on the couch but when i go to the bedrooma nd lie down i am all of a sudden awake as fuck and constantly thinking about how i need to be asleep as soon as i can in order to function the next day whtout being a raging cunt to anyone who dares to even breath in an area adjacent to me.
As i mntioned before there is the fact that I am a control freak. I know this about myself and i try to use it for the geater good in my life but there are things i cant help not do. I have somehow always been the one to be incharge of the bills and i can not imaginea nyone else, namely my gy, doing this. Party because i think it would blow his fucking mind how much in bills we have. The reason i suspect this is because when i tell him a number of how much in bills in total each month we have he is shocked. I feel bad telling him that we can't go do stuff and for my own sanity i need to have meals out and i need to go to the cheap theater and spend $20.00 ona movie night with him because working both jobs severly negelectss him and it make me feel horrible but also he is the most understanding human being i have ever know. He knows i do all this to support he both of us when he has edical issues that come up. Sure i get mad when i am the one doing all this work all the itme and he gets to just sit at home and play games and watch videos when he could be dong the lundry dished and cat littter boxes. I ask him to do these things and he will when asked but there is always the struggle in a relationship where one person wishes they didn't have to aske the othere to do these thigns and that they would just magiclly do them but we all know how that came ends, disapoinment is how it ends EVERY TIME.
so the was along ass way of me and clothes and realizing that when I went shopping with my friend and her sister that i forgot that i am a person with needs and wants. I forget to dress myself up and feel pretty in sode and out with the way that i look. I bought myself some perfumes, peartly becasue they were on sale and partly so i could wear them and feel like i was a human being instead of a work machine. It has been a great struggle to remind myself that i am a person and one who deserves to feel good about themselves. This is the biggest thing that I myself have neglected. I ahve been to concentrated on other aspects of my life, namely paying bills and working to pay those bills.
So when i was there shpooing at my favorite store i picked up somethings that would meake me feel like a woman again. a beautifll woman who desrved to look nice sometimes. I had to buy things in even number bacause the sale was uy 1 get one half off. 2 pairs of shorts, a bralette, 2 pairs of sandals, and s hirt later and i had a brand new outfit. I had to go back to return somethings that didnt fit or i didnt realy like and i got some more things that made me feel good about myself. i alos go to finally get new strapless bra's because i have no idea how old the tretched out one was that i had.
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to get a cleaning and also to see what he is going to do about my tooth that had to be pulled out in november. He glues my tooth, aftet cutting the root off, to the permanenet retainer in my mouth as well as the surrounding teeth and hoped for the best but that lste maybe 3 months. I bit down on a brownie that had choclate chips in it and thats when it all came loose. The original glue hlding it to bar didn ont break so it sorta tilts forward and back into place depending on how much i play with it or not.
Recently I read an article about how childhood neglect causes all these things that are actually relevant to me. It was a very interesting thing to realize that this thing from my childhood had a name and there were common things that came from it. The only thing I can not figure out is how to deal with it and fix things in my head.
I have always been more self aware than most but at the same time I also block a lot out as well as not paying attention to things. I don't know how to better pay attention to things in my life so that I can remember simple things like coworkers names and such. I simply do not pay attention to their name tags. I also have this huge anxiety issue that i feel is growing out of control in some ways. Minor things, like where i have to park for work had to change and that freaked me the fuck out. I did know where the lot was but i didn't know how long it would take to find a spot and i didn't have my usual route planned out and the there was the shuttle aspect of it all and making sure that I got there on time and I knew where to get picked up for the shuttle to go back to the ride parking lot. There was one day where out of habit I got onto the shuttle to go to Klot and then before we left the pick up area i realized that I had taken the bus into work. This is something I don't think I can effectively blame being tired on because for the most park I have been trying to only work 1 job a day because i am less of a bitch that way.
Last week, or maybe the week before (I don;'t usually pay attention to days, just things i have to do that day), my best friend and her family drove out here for her husband to go to a boat for the remainder of his Coast Guard career. We had hung out with other people and played some card games and such and had wine, it was very very nice. I would like to imagine that more nights like that are in the future when they all get to come back home to California. When everyone had gone and the kids were finally asleep and she and i were talking we somehow got on to the subject of her youngest daughters learning struggles and how much that en tales. I never had that kind of guidance and help at all. Sure after dad died mom took me to a therapist and then they did some testing of some sorts. The only thing I really remember is that there was a reading test and it was determined that i add S's to words when I read. I am pretty ure that I am also dyslexic and that there is some mild for of not quite reterdation but that there is always going to be a struggle when it comes to me learning new things, especially in a school setting. I am nto good at school stuff. Give me a vacuum cleaner and tell me it is broken and I will figure out how to take it apart and get it working again. Hell i am still so shocked that I was able to fix he washing machine like i did with a 10 item from amazon.
I have learned about myself that i am not a leader and that it is OK. I try to remind myself of that as often as i need to because there is so much self doubt that its so not even funny. I constantly doubt myself, my confidence is shot. I think I have tried to take on so many things that everything is falling off me perspective plate. Factor in that i am also a bit of a control freak who has a fucking spending problem and then you've got yourself into about 15K in debt that you cant seem to get out of. I tell my partner to hide my cards and don't let me use them but then I do sneaky ass shit like add them to my Samsung wallet and then if he doesn't check the bank account then he won't know what it is that I am doing. Or that i have resurrected my cards and am making purchases on new clothes. Bu at the same time I wanted a new pair of Bermuda shorts. The ones I have had are about 10 years old and have already been fixed at least 1 time and there was a day where i squatted down and i heard a rip and I knew it was time to get new ones. This of course led me to looking which always leads me to buying because god forbid I don't get what I want and when I want it (thanks mom for ALWAYS giving into my little whinny ass). Yes i am a grown ass almost 35 year old woman who has these issues but there are time like these that i like to kindly remind myself that there are so many other people out there who are struggling with all the issues they have and the things from their childhood that have left them scared and to pck up the peieces and deal with this frankestein of a person that is left from that.
There are so many days where I wish I could go to therapy on a regular basis and there are so many more days where I wish I was more normal for the sake of myself and that sake of my guy. That man has put uu with so much o my shit and the fact that he still wants to help me get up when I struggle and hold me when I need it makes me love him even more.
I have been wanting to write in my journal a lot lately but I havent had tie to do it even though I know i have needed it to be able to get somehtings off my chest and out of my head. There is so much to worry about and there is so much I have to juggle n a daily basis its crazy.
Here isteh thing about me shopping, i can not afford shit. Most weeks I can barely afford to get to work via bus or my own car. I have not had insurance for well over a year and even at that my last policy was only written out to last august. Some how the DMV went ahead and proccessed my registration just fine and i am so thankful for that. I wanted new shorts so I could be more comfortable in the summer. Legings are great and all but my legs needed to breath and the only other option was my jean work pants which i try not to wear because i need them to last as long as possible for however long my career will last with michaels. p.s. I ahte that fucking job and the bull shit politics that go on there, but i digress. So there are a few basic things I need at the very least to go to work and one of them i undegarments. underwear in particular. There was a sale of 7 for $35 which is agreat deal because I onlybuy my undewear from 1 store, I am uirky and sepcific as fuck!!! I m sorry hunny. SO I thought hey, i really need more underwear as more and more of what I have got is ripping and tearing. So much so that just religating it to be period panties was a bit of a strectch but what are you going to do when it is something you hae to have.
Also, I am lazy as fuck because I work both jobs. I am already a quiet introverted type of a person. I am realizing that normal conversations with people are hard for me and I really do need time to recover afterwards from events and thing. That being said, both of my jobs are customer service related and force me to talk to people. Beaus I have a prescripted subject it makes this easier for me to be able to talk to a person at work, but that doesn't make it any less taxing in the long run. So when I get home I do not want to talk to anyone about anything. If i feel like mentioning to you that there was particularly interestng story of customer then great, but other than that I do not want to talk. I want to just turn my brain off and not use it for as long as humanly possible. I will chek mycalendar and make sure I know where i have to go and what hat i need to put on for the next day, but that ias about all the mental capacity I have left at the end of the day. This is ESPECIALLY true with two other factors. One of which is whether or not I ahve had to work both my jobs in one day. That usualy means i am up at some ungodly hour like 4 a.m. and i ave to be on a bus surrounded by other people and my anxiety is on high alert for that somedays depending on how many people are on the bus.. Then I go to my other job at5 and am there till at least 915-930. that is a 16 hour day which i am usually fueled by a minimum of 4 hours of sleep and a rather large coffee, or two depending on how tired i am. Now i knwo youre thinking to yourself why didnt i sleep more when i went to bed. There is this thing my mind likes to do when i have to get up early the next day regardless if its a simple trio to disneylad (yay) or if i have to work both jobs. i simply can not sleep. I am either to excited or somehow the magic that is sleepy when i am lying on the couch but when i go to the bedrooma nd lie down i am all of a sudden awake as fuck and constantly thinking about how i need to be asleep as soon as i can in order to function the next day whtout being a raging cunt to anyone who dares to even breath in an area adjacent to me.
As i mntioned before there is the fact that I am a control freak. I know this about myself and i try to use it for the geater good in my life but there are things i cant help not do. I have somehow always been the one to be incharge of the bills and i can not imaginea nyone else, namely my gy, doing this. Party because i think it would blow his fucking mind how much in bills we have. The reason i suspect this is because when i tell him a number of how much in bills in total each month we have he is shocked. I feel bad telling him that we can't go do stuff and for my own sanity i need to have meals out and i need to go to the cheap theater and spend $20.00 ona movie night with him because working both jobs severly negelectss him and it make me feel horrible but also he is the most understanding human being i have ever know. He knows i do all this to support he both of us when he has edical issues that come up. Sure i get mad when i am the one doing all this work all the itme and he gets to just sit at home and play games and watch videos when he could be dong the lundry dished and cat littter boxes. I ask him to do these things and he will when asked but there is always the struggle in a relationship where one person wishes they didn't have to aske the othere to do these thigns and that they would just magiclly do them but we all know how that came ends, disapoinment is how it ends EVERY TIME.
so the was along ass way of me and clothes and realizing that when I went shopping with my friend and her sister that i forgot that i am a person with needs and wants. I forget to dress myself up and feel pretty in sode and out with the way that i look. I bought myself some perfumes, peartly becasue they were on sale and partly so i could wear them and feel like i was a human being instead of a work machine. It has been a great struggle to remind myself that i am a person and one who deserves to feel good about themselves. This is the biggest thing that I myself have neglected. I ahve been to concentrated on other aspects of my life, namely paying bills and working to pay those bills.
So when i was there shpooing at my favorite store i picked up somethings that would meake me feel like a woman again. a beautifll woman who desrved to look nice sometimes. I had to buy things in even number bacause the sale was uy 1 get one half off. 2 pairs of shorts, a bralette, 2 pairs of sandals, and s hirt later and i had a brand new outfit. I had to go back to return somethings that didnt fit or i didnt realy like and i got some more things that made me feel good about myself. i alos go to finally get new strapless bra's because i have no idea how old the tretched out one was that i had.
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow to get a cleaning and also to see what he is going to do about my tooth that had to be pulled out in november. He glues my tooth, aftet cutting the root off, to the permanenet retainer in my mouth as well as the surrounding teeth and hoped for the best but that lste maybe 3 months. I bit down on a brownie that had choclate chips in it and thats when it all came loose. The original glue hlding it to bar didn ont break so it sorta tilts forward and back into place depending on how much i play with it or not.
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