Panda

 I feel like I just need to get some things out. There is so much going on and I just want to scream sometimes.      I wish i didn't want to not exist for one. Like why am I like this. its one of the many things in life that aren't fdair. Why os life so fucking god damn hard. I fucking hate it. Why do I have to deal with all of this fucking shit. On the flip side, why and I so god damn good at do the things like taking care of mom and her needs and making sure she is ok but not being able to take care of myself. Why do I not care about myself as much as I care abpout her?!     Leaving the SCK server, well just not checking in on it anymore, makes me sad but at the same time it is so much better for my mental health. I don't end up feeling sad and depressed because no one isn't liking or responding to the things I post. It was something that was part of my kink jpourney but for right now that isn't where I am concentrating my efforts in life. I may...

 Giving up on other but at the same time giving myself the space to be better mentally. Why do things that make me no feel good mentally when it is already terrible inside my head. Yeah I miss seeing whats going on inside the server but at the same time I do not miss feeling like no one cares about me when I do post stuff. The server has changed and I don't see it as a good thing. I don't know who or why I was nominated for a community role thing. It doesn't make sense to me especialy since they basically took away the one thing I was doing that they liked anyways.      This whole Marvel thing has got me twisted too. Like I am putting way to much effort in for to little return. I have asked for more and have not gotten more. I really don't want to sit in my car all day and have the engine running becasue that is going to waste gas and I don't have an income right now so no thank you. I also don't want to sit in the car all day with out the engine on because it i...