Panda

 Today turned into a struggle and even though the issue has been resolved i still feel wonky, but then again I know there are things I am not dealing with and/or not able to deal with. I really need to see a therapist and tfigure this shit out. In the mean time I am just trying to stumble though life blind on a fucked up walkway . There are so many different things to unpack from all the traumas of my childhood and I am not properly able to handle that shit. So here I sit watching tiktoks and self diaagnosing as best as possible. My ADHD won't let me research things so there is that.  Funny thing is all day I have been wanting to blog about things and here I sit not really able to think of the things I had wanted to write about.  There was a very interesting tiktok I saw with a sound bite about second hand suicide and that hit way to hard for my comfort. It is something I have talked about with Kasey and she said she felt the same way to so at least I am not alone but at ...

 This past month has been super rough. $700.00 in bills that I avoided until just a few days before they were due. Figured out the number and took a loan.... all because I got covid and didnt work for 2 weeks. I feel lucky to have gotten some pay for what was missed but it was just to much I missed.  So for the past week or 2, alcohol blindness(like time blindness in ADHD people such as myself.), I have been using alcohol to drown out these feelings that I was haing. Mostly it was the stress of having to deal with it all and was I ok with not paying 4 credit cards at once or sucking it p and getting a loan. rando thought: I think the sudden death of my father has caused me to want to control everything even though I hate it but I have a need to know whats going to happen. this thought was brought to you by:  Me trying to plan out the next 2 weeks and when I will be at Oz's house and when I could have him out here.