Depressed.....agian
sometimes I feel like its a wash rinse repeat with my moods and emotions. Sometimes the happy ;ast longer and sometimes it doesnt. there are thing i feel that i can not say let alone write down because if they were found out then they would be harmful to other . while it is something that makes me happier i dont know if it would make be fully hapy if both parties knew. I know one party is fin with it but I am most certian, like 99% certain, that i wold cruch the other party. but when it comes to me being happy and fully satisfied then does it matter? there is so much i wish i could say and n ot be afraid to hurt people. Telling AM how i really feel about how he makes me feel just seems owrhless. i fell lilke it doesnt matter if i say "hey, the way yuve bee treating me makes me feel like a used up piece of tissue thrown on the ground" things used to be better in the begining but then again thats how life is. Everythng is fun and new in the begining, and then over time things fade and people get comfy and lazy in their rolls. I dont know if AR. feel like that but i feel like i am used and that all of my hard work is so he can freeload off of me. have i been foolish o waiste 6 years of my life on a guy who doesnt give a shit about his health and our financial situation.
i just want to cry right now an =d curl into a ball and hide in a corner in a closet where noone knows i exist. I am by no means suicidal at all i just simply dont want to exist. The one riend i usually go to when i feel like this is also depressed so i dont want to burden her with my crapbecause all he things i seem to complaine about seem so un important compared to her. She has a husband, a house , an =d beautiful children. I know that the picture is only good as you make it seem and that they as family have their dark days jus like the rest of humanity. i know this is all so normal. the thing is that people freak out when i am who I am when I am thedepressed side of me. I wear my emotions on my shoulder and i am really truely horrible at hiding them. Especially at work and such whn i have to act like a normal person according to society. Thngs are breaking down more and more, and by that i m ean i am crying more and more often. So maybe the thing I thouht that was gong to make me happy wont be that big of a happiness to sacrifice what little happiness i hae leftinside of me.
I hate working at Michaels. I really shoud try to find the happy in it so that i can continue to work there and not go mad but today i didnt go in. I knew what time i was supposed to be there and that i should call in but instead i decideded to sleep. I was tired after havng wken up at 4:40 a.m. to go to my frist job. I just wanted to nap but then aanthon gave me permission not to go in. i dont know why he lets me get away with tshit. We need mone desperately. Like i have to figure out a way to pay 158.34 b the 6th iinorder to only be 2 months behind on myc ar payment and not have my car repoed. this is becoming a nightly concern for me. m
my anxiety and my worry keep me up at night and if i dont sleep my emotions becaime more wild and oer take my mental stability or what little i hve left. I hvent had a taste for food in over a month with is when the whole AM thing started. MAybe i just feel so guilty over it all that i am punishng myself or maybe i just care so little for myself that i just dont care anymore. of course someone who is new to knowing me wont see all the dark sides of me just yet to everything is light and happy. i feel like whn i start to show the darkness in me thats whnen people start to pull away from me like i am some sort of freak becausei show the darkness. I feel like showing it is better for me but bad for others. I sorta dont care about them but them the side of me that so desperaely wants to be acceptd by all, who is willing to change everything aboutt hemselves just to be loved by someone.
what is worng with me???
i just want to cry right now an =d curl into a ball and hide in a corner in a closet where noone knows i exist. I am by no means suicidal at all i just simply dont want to exist. The one riend i usually go to when i feel like this is also depressed so i dont want to burden her with my crapbecause all he things i seem to complaine about seem so un important compared to her. She has a husband, a house , an =d beautiful children. I know that the picture is only good as you make it seem and that they as family have their dark days jus like the rest of humanity. i know this is all so normal. the thing is that people freak out when i am who I am when I am thedepressed side of me. I wear my emotions on my shoulder and i am really truely horrible at hiding them. Especially at work and such whn i have to act like a normal person according to society. Thngs are breaking down more and more, and by that i m ean i am crying more and more often. So maybe the thing I thouht that was gong to make me happy wont be that big of a happiness to sacrifice what little happiness i hae leftinside of me.
I hate working at Michaels. I really shoud try to find the happy in it so that i can continue to work there and not go mad but today i didnt go in. I knew what time i was supposed to be there and that i should call in but instead i decideded to sleep. I was tired after havng wken up at 4:40 a.m. to go to my frist job. I just wanted to nap but then aanthon gave me permission not to go in. i dont know why he lets me get away with tshit. We need mone desperately. Like i have to figure out a way to pay 158.34 b the 6th iinorder to only be 2 months behind on myc ar payment and not have my car repoed. this is becoming a nightly concern for me. m
my anxiety and my worry keep me up at night and if i dont sleep my emotions becaime more wild and oer take my mental stability or what little i hve left. I hvent had a taste for food in over a month with is when the whole AM thing started. MAybe i just feel so guilty over it all that i am punishng myself or maybe i just care so little for myself that i just dont care anymore. of course someone who is new to knowing me wont see all the dark sides of me just yet to everything is light and happy. i feel like whn i start to show the darkness in me thats whnen people start to pull away from me like i am some sort of freak becausei show the darkness. I feel like showing it is better for me but bad for others. I sorta dont care about them but them the side of me that so desperaely wants to be acceptd by all, who is willing to change everything aboutt hemselves just to be loved by someone.
what is worng with me???
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