Panda

I don't know if I am ever going to get marri3d. I don't know what anthony is thinking other then he wants to marry me but he wants to wait till he is in a stable job. I don't see any of this happening any time soon. I also know I'm not going to have a nice big wedding. Mine will be small and probably in the back yard. I really just want to cry. I know it's selfish of me and everything. Going to two of my cousins big beautiful church weddings make me depressed. I am so happy for them but I know that my dreams are not going to come true. I've tried encouraging anthony and I've tried crying after a break down. I don't want to have two jobs anymore. I just want one job like a normal person. All he does is make xcuses as to why this job and that job are not good or why he can't or Won't do them. And it pisses me off. I've worked my ass off for over a year now at 2 jobs. I want a fucking break! How long is long anough that I put up with this befor...

I miss blogging. It helped me to get alo t of things out without fear of it being read. Although there was one time i guess i left it open and anthony read it and he didnt day anything for a couple of years. He just lives in fear of when I am going to leave him. (this isnt starting where I thought is would) I dont know if its a phase I am going through, the word going through my head is repulsed, but i am just grossed out by him. I dont know how often he showers. His reasoning, which i sorta understand, for not showering on the regular is bevcause he is at home all day not doing enything and not going anywhere so why shower.  Maybe that would be ok if her were to wear the deodarant i bought him but he doesnt because he doesnt want to wasite it if he isnt going out. He smells like B.O all the time. his legs smells because of the leg thing he has to wear to wear his prothetic leg. I get it, you sweat a lot. but if youd wash the damn things more often then it wouldnt be a fucking isue...