Panda

 Well at least the bad ones anyways. I think I threw to much of myself at Marco. I jumped in and didnt even look into where Io was jumping. Just a blind leap of faith. I think I need to take a step back and chill out.  i have been in my emotions for a couple of days or so. I just want everything to stop being so difficult. I don't want to wish it all would end. I don't want to hurt the people I love so I keep things liek tis to myself.  I just don't want to fel anymore. I am sick of this endless cycle of bullshit.  Ias it lover or is it juat that  he is paying attention to me? is it both maybe? I don't know. I don't know if I know what love is. I meran the kind where you fall in love with someone not like Oh i lkove you because i care about you. Is that the same?

 my mind is always wondering. There is always something going on inside of it.Or at least theats what it feels like. Tonight is no exception. I need to get off this one pill because I think it might be the cause of the food issues I have been having. I recently, like yesterday, figured out that i have a dry mouth as one of the side effects. I do not nkow which one right now but I did google things, cause google is "always" right lol.  This is the thing I hate. I am tired but not tired enough to go to sleep, Last night i ws up till 4 a.m. and only got about 4.5 hours of sleep. I feel that I have done pretty good today considering that. I watched some of The Walking Dead But then I was struck with the urge to clean my room so i did that. I fel great about that because the room isn't so cluttered. . Maybe tomorrow I will set up the play station and take a shower. I need to shower as well. damn it now i need to make a list of stuff to do tomorrow but also |I need to ice my ba...

 I just want to die. I don't want to deal with this world anymore

 I really just want to end it all. I want all of this suffering and heart ache to just go the fuck away. I don't know how to do so so I don't know what to do. I want to go to sleep but my mind is racing right now because we are in the middle of a fight and idk wtf is going on.  I am proud of myself for just letting go of Derick and realising that his attention wasnt worth shit. He was shitty at it so good bye. I am done! I just want to cry and die. That is all.  I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die just fucking kill me already i hate this world. Whats the fucking point anymore. I have no where to go. I will just live out of a storage place  FUCK EVERYTHING I can't tell anyone these kinds of things because I know they will be worried and i don't want that. I just literally want to disappear into the nothing that I am. 

 I am in this area in my life where I make enough money to cover a bill

 I am feeling ridiculously anxious right now because thre is so much that is out of control at the moment or are things I can not fix rtight now and have to wait to be able to do anything.

 Why cant I just be ok with things? Why do I have to think about them so much? Why can't I just enjoy the things that are going on around me??  why do I have to worry so god damn much!!    UUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH

  I just want to die.